Belated Apology
April 2, 2010 by Larry Gallagher
As atrocities go it was pretty minor, but I can still say with confidence that in my 47 years on the planet it remains the worst thing I have ever done.
I was a freshman in college, at a fancy school in a big city. I was exchanging letters with a young woman from my hometown. Though we had known one another tangentially for some years, it was only in the last weeks of summer that we had made any kind of connection, and in a light way we seemed to be drifting toward something more compelling. When we left for school in the fall, the connection shifted to letters, a popular interactive medium at the time, and we exchanged accounts of life on our separate campuses, nothing very deep or memorable.
Which was where the trouble started. Midway through the year I received a letter from her filled with accounts of typical campus stuff, late-night drinking excursions ending at some greasy-spoon smorgasbord. I was doing the same stuff myself, of course, but the fact that she chose to record it and send it off struck me at the time as intolerable.
In a spasm of cruelty I crafted a reply. It began innocuously enough, with accounts of recent events, but gradually devolved into increasingly meaningless and unimportant details, culminating finally in a complete inventory of the contents of the mini-fridge in my dorm room.
If it would lessen my sentence I would cop a plea and implicate my roommate, who read the letter, laughed, and gave me the green light to send it.
Her reply was swift and succinct, a sentiment capable of being expressed fully in only seven letters. My mortified letter of apology went unanswered, and for 20 years afterward the memory occupied the number one spot of my hit parade of shame.
I can’t pretend that my initial motive for resurrecting this fiasco was entirely noble. I was pillaging my past, looking for something with enough emotional charge to turn into some kind of personal essay. My initial idea was to contact her and, if she was willing, to make a sort of public apology, including her account of how one remembers an offense over time. I never got far with this plan because every time I imagined her reading this letter, the stench of my ulterior motives was so offensive to my own nostrils that I couldn’t bring myself to actually consider writing it.
No, it quickly became clear that if this incident was still capable of stirring such shame after all these years, then I owed it to myself to bring some resolution to the matter in as straight a way as possible, and that precluded requests for anything except forgiveness.
Several challenges presented themselves when I sat down at the computer. First I had to seriously consider whether my letter would do anything for her besides reopen an old wound. I also had to consider the opposite possibility, that my letter would strike her as delusionally arrogant — that I was important enough to have mattered for longer than the speck of time it her took to dispatch me. But I was willing to take that hit if need be. Weighing both possibilities, I guessed that the chances were good that she had shrugged off the blow and gotten over it long before I had.
But she was not the only wounded party in this affair. I felt a a strong obligation to myself, to somehow lighten the sting of this memory. The filing and retrieval system on my shame system is acute. And while I know it can’t be true, sometimes it feels as if I can remember and recreate, with vivid emotional intensity, every moment of shame in my life. This moment of shame had served its socially adaptive function. While I have stepped on my share of feet over the years, I never again achieved that level of cruelty. The burning served no additional purpose and I could let go of it without feeling I was letting myself off easy. I had done my time.
When I sat down to compose the letter, I realized that I still didn’t understand why I had done what I had done. After stewing in it for a while, I was able to remember my insecurity of the time: surrounded by overachievers, unsure of my worth, weighing myself against my peers, my professors, and the line of the great minds in whose work I was immersing myself. I had considerable contempt for the gloryless, mundane reality of my own existence. When she revealed hers so nakedly, I lashed out. And with the endorsement of a similarly deluded, insecure ally, I was able to suspend my clarity long enough to get the letter in a mailbox. This all felt true to me, and I felt she could hear it without feeling judged anew.
After all those years I didn’t have much of a lead on where she was living, so I contacted the alumni association from her college. The woman who answered the phone agreed to forward my letter to the address they had on file.
What came of it? The truth is, I have no idea. I never heard back. It would make for a tidier story if I’d received a definitive reply, some note of forgiveness — spiced, ideally, with some good-natured barbs from her, laughter smoothing over the rough edges of memory. I would have thought that my sincerity would have roused something in her, enough for her to reply in anger, if nothing else. My best guess is that the message never reached her, perhaps forwarded to some old address and left to wither in some dead end. And that was all I could do about it. To resend it, or to pursue an answer any more aggressively, would have been to overstep the thin sliver of authority that I had granted myself.
In the end I’m not sure how much it mattered. If my apology was a true offering, then like any other true offering it would not come with strings: she would have to be free to accept or to toss it. As for me, the process of investigation had brought enough clarity that the memory no longer burned for me, and I could put the whole incident to rest, along with Dostoyevsky and Nietzche and all the other important minds I may or may not ever read again.
Larry Gallagher has written for The New York Times Magazine, GQ, Discover, and other publications; he lives in San Francisco.
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17 Comments
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June 4, 2010 by Gary W. Anderson
I have been wrestling with something a sort of affair with an older woman, she was 28 and I was almost 15. I am now 66 and this has been bothering me for a very long time. I want to send her a note and ask her forgiveness for those times. This fascination with her lasted almost 3 months. I am glad to say that her and her husband are still together and I did not destroy their marriage, but still I feel guilty about the whole thing. I do not understand why this bothers me so much after all these years. Does anyone think a letter to both apologize and ask forgiveness should be done and sent?
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July 8, 2010 by Siobhan McTiernan
I think a letter from you would let you forgive yourself. After all these years the guilt is still following you, you should do something about it. She probably barely remembers the situation sense she's had a whole lifetime of experience. But its better late then never, you only get to live once, why not live the way you want, and why not liv it right? Be true to yourself and to others and greatness will come to you. (: -Siobhan McTiernan
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July 10, 2010 by TJ
Who was the Adult here??? I think its she that needs to say she is sorry for taking advantage of a child. You should carry no guilt.
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July 24, 2010 by J
First, keep in mind that women and men think so differently. As a female, I'd say Yes. In my value system, an apology especially over that length of time, takes a great deal of courage. No doubt it has taken a long time for you to make the decision to even possibly think of doing this. I don't know what you would have to lose, and psychologically -- you'd feel so much better knowing you got it out of your system. Besides, however she processes this at this time in her life is up to her but for you, a Higher Power knows you have apologized. Prayers to you.
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July 27, 2010 by tasha
I can not even belive that you want to say sorry for what for her being old enough to no better and letting a child live with this fact. Come on watch the news women who do this type of thing now and get told on go to jail it is so wrong you were a child.
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July 30, 2010 by nardo
Leave those people alone! They have already moved on with their lives. She doesn’t even remember you. You’re just thinking about your own selfish gains. You envy their marriage. If you were engage in your own life and relationship this wouldn’t have been an issue for you. keep it to yourself.
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April 25, 2011 by Robyn Smith
I totally agree with you.
June 27, 2010 by Mary Davin
In response to Gary's letter of June 4, 2010 - you may certainly write out your thoughts on paper, and whisper them to the wind. But, DO NOT send the letter. Rip it up or burn it. The moment in time and the experience that you so regret has since passed into a time lock. The feelings and motivation of the people involved at that time have also passed and cannot be relived. Let your feelings go and guilt will disappear as well.
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July 24, 2010 by Jo
I can really identify with Gary's letter ... in that I wrote a short note to a wonderful man who had proposed to me about 12 years ago. I broke his heart by saying No because I had just been through a divorce from a long marriage, and we did not end the relationship on very good terms. I have continued to hold very fond memories of this man ever since, and finally decide to write a very concise note. It will be 2 months ago next week that I mailed it, and I haven't heard anything. It has been such a heavy burden over all the years that I decided to seek therapy and the suggestion is that I phone him. My greatest fear is the rejection I may receive and he will hang up on me. I hope he has found the power of forgiveness and all I need, now, is to know that. Is it a pipe dream to think he would even give me the time of day? J.
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August 12, 2010 by Sonia
I can relate to Gary's situation. I feel in love when I was young with an older man who loved me too. MY parents made us break up the relationship and we went our separate ways. I am in my 40's and have been married once and divorced. I still think about him. I wish I knew where he was to send him a letter declaring my everlasting love for him- if he is commited to another relationship; I do not think I would send a letter. I think Gary's wants to know if this woman still thinks about him. I would not write a letter to her because she is happily married and you may ruin that for her. Loving someone is something beautiful. If after all these years we are still thinking about something that happened when we were children; my belief is this is something that penetrated our soul and hearts.
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August 14, 2010 by Laura
I offer another perspective, having received an apology 27 years later. He was making his "5th Step" amend, and wrote me to apologize for using me and tossing me away. He attributed it to his beginning love affair with alcohol. I told him I had always thought he left because I was a weak and needy person. It healed me powerfully to hear him say he felt broken to learn I had suffered so all these years. I guess I mattered, after all; I was worthy of an apology. In AA they say, apologize unless you think it will bring more harm to do so than to not. To me, it meant the world that he did so.
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August 25, 2010 by Candice Lance
I wrote an apology to a once best friend after 30 years to make sure I had her forgiveness before I left this world. I have never felt better than when she returned a response to me.
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September 30, 2010 by Pokerspiel
ha, I will try out my thought, your post get me some good ideas, it's truly awesome, thanks.
- Murk
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February 27, 2011 by Fretrix Critchlow
I wholeheartedly agree with TJ's and tasha's responses. In that scenario of adult/child, she was the responsible party and should have apologized to you. Look what her allowing that relationship to ensue has caused you over the decades. If anything, she could have been made aware of that, but it's so far past now, over 50 years ago, unless she is still in your life. But even then, surely she has gone thru her own grief and guilt, not only of the age difference, but she was married! Bottom line: you have no reason to feel guilty. In fact, it's so clear who the responsible party was in this, are you sure that's what you're feeling? Are you such a 'nice guy' that you are unwilling to lay blame where it's due?
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April 25, 2011 by Robyn Smith
Leave that woman alone. It seems you are either unmarried and lonely or you are on a fantasy trip. Once you make connections with her again you are opening up closed doors. Let it go. God loves you unconditional, ask God to forgive you. I'm sure she has done the same. Just move on you will meet someone or love the one you are with. Be honest. Tell the truth.
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October 10, 2011 by Abbie Baker
10/10/2011
I don't like or love people easily. When I loved, I loved intensly and I still love those people until this day. We have done things that we regret and I hope that I have repented for mine and tried to make them right.
I was separated from the love of my life due to my brother's death. How can I apologize for the trauma that blocked my memory. I was not able to meet him where we had planned. He did not know what had happened but he knew that something had gone very wrong. He knew that we would not have broken our word. He was right. It was a terrible accident that cost the life of my only brother and I was traumatized for many years. They are both gone now. As King David said, "They won't come back to me but someday I'll go go them."
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November 26, 2011 by Stepahnie
When contemplating forgiveness, observe the circumstances from a higher view. ask for forgiveness if possible, without hurting the other person any more. they may have gone on with life and married and perhaps even have a family. The important part is that one needs to forgive oneself as well. Each on of us does something to hurt another, we are not perfect, as long as we learn from the mistake and grow in understanding not to repeat it again, that has been a good lesson. If there is a relationship with the Lord, that is where one goes to ask for forgiveness, God is able to turn this into a blessing for you and the person you may have hurt, as well. Peace be with you.
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