The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

The Forgiveness Project

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February 14, 2008 by Kathy McManus

On Valentine’s Day, we have a tradition of saying “I love you.”

But do we ever have a responsibility to say “I forgive you?”

Experts in the study of forgiveness say we do, and that the act of forgiving is a skill we can all learn.

“You can set up classes and teach people to forgive in the same way you can set up classes to teach people how to play the piano,” says Dr. Fred Luskin, director of Stanford University’s Forgiveness  Projects.

Though rehabbing the heart is a deeply soul-searching journey. Learning forgiveness includes learning stress management to deal with negative and resentful feelings. It can also mean learning to let go of the idea that you are "the center of the universe." In other words, says Dr. Luskin, no more Why me? How dare they? What were they thinking?

"One of the chief things that one learns is you have limited influence on people who have hurt you and much more influence on yourself," states Dr. Luskin. “You have to ask yourself what kind of person do you want to be. Do you want to take your wounds and become like a nasty bitter person? Or do you want to take your wounds and become something else with it?”

For many people, forgiveness is an admirable virtue, but a difficult goal. Experts caution against compulsory forgiveness, noting that thinking about forgiving someone shouldn’t have a predetermined outcome.

If you cannot forgive for the sake of the person who hurt you, you might consider doing it for yourself. The very act of forgiving has been shown to lower blood pressure, improve heart function, and reduce stress, anger, and depression.

“We have a responsibility to our physical health and our emotional well-being, as well as the health of our current relationships,” Dr. Luskin told us. “And practicing forgiveness makes a proven and positive contribution to each.”

Share your experience with us. Is there someone in your life you haven’t forgiven? Why not? If you did forgive someone who hurt you, how did you make the decision to do so?

14 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• February 14, 2008 by Stephen Leavitt

  A good friend of mine was called a "dirty, rotten, son-of-*&%$#" from the time he understood until he was a teen. It created a huge strain between he and his father and was not resolved until 50+ years later, when he decided that he needed for forgive his father, without his father even asking for forgiveness. He did, and it restored their relationship until his father's death. A great outcome, and one ultimately based on love.

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• February 19, 2008 by Dorothy Gardiner

  I think that people are becoming overly sensitive to their own feelings and are totally ignoring others feelings. We are living in such politically correct society that it has become the norm to feel that no one can say anything or criticize you in any way or they will get sued or something. This is too bad and not good for us. We need to be criticized and corrected of faults if they are destructive or unhealthy. We are becoming a society of sheep who are afraid to stand up, speak up, or do anything that might be thought provoking or rubs the norm the wrong way. We can't learn to forgive until we realize that what others say or do are just their opinions and leave it at that. We can't take everything so personally that we become emotional junkies who need to be coddled and loved every ten seconds. Until then, the word forgive is just a word.

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• March 8, 2008 by Sandy

  Forgiving someone is something that rewards the forgiver as much or more than the "offender". As noted in the blog, holding on to anger and bitterness is not only unhealthy in and of itself but what can be even more unhealthy is having to face the loss of a presumably valued relationship. Nobody should allow themselves to be a doormat-those whose actions and/or words require regular forgiveness are probably not worth the pain or effort they cause you, and it may be best to break ties if possible or minimize their roles in your life. But when dealing with isolated events, one needs to look at more than just the action and it's affect on your feelings. Most likely they made a mistake...an out-of character behavior due to perhaps a lapse in judgement, perhaps one too many cocktails, or a verbal lashing out in anger, defensiveness or irritability on a bad day. We all make mistakes. Secondly, examine the value of the relationship in terms of the role the person has had in your life, and ask if the "mistake" is so grave that the relationship should be dissolved. Acceptance and forgiveness are key to building long, close relationships.

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  • May 19, 2010 by Tanya Ashley

    Yes this is true. You should not be so unforgiving of the things that people do. I think teens of divorced parents take the things we do as parents more personal than we know. I didn't realize this until my 13 year old daughter has decided to go live with her father. She was around me when I was going through a very rough time for me. She knew I was still missing her father and she couldn't stand missing him either. Since then I have realized that I should have been more careful not to let myself get in that shape in front of her. She has't spoken to me in about 5 1/2 months now. I hate that it is creating a bad memory for her but everyone tells me to just leave her alone. She will come around. My patients for this is very difficult. We were so close prior to her leaving. She is holding a grudge towards me and I wish I knew what to do to fix this situation. I know I haven't done anything to warrent this type of behavoir towards me. Her brother, that is married and 23 years old, gave her the advice that if someone is causing you to be uncomfortable in your life to just get away from them. I think this had a big influence. I think he is also still holding a grudge towards me because of the divorce. I have tried to speak to both of them about this and he doesn't want to talk about it. As for my daughter, she will not even communicate with me. I hope they will get ever this and I hope oneday this anger or what ever this is that they feel will get better.

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• March 22, 2008 by terrance tattrie

  It takes too much emotional and mental effort to hold onto to a resentment. You will never achieve peace in your own soul until you are able to forgive.

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• April 11, 2008 by Kristie Votaw

  I'm one of those people that doesn't hold grudges for very long, but it also takes a whole lot to make me mad, anyway. I hate the feelings I have when I'm mad at someone. It's a lot of additional stress to deal with, and I have enough without it. While there are a few people that I no longer talk to because of things that happened between us, it's because they're not the people I thought they were, not because I'm still mad about it. People do different things for different reasons, and just because it's not what's right to you, chances are they were using their own kind of logic when they did it. If everyone held onto every wrong that was done to them, the world would be an awful place full of anger and hatred. As the saying goes, be the bigger man...or woman. It's easy to stay mad at somebody, but it takes a much better and stronger person to look someone in the eye and say "It's okay, I forgive you" than to avoid them the rest of your life.

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  • February 25, 2009 by deb cass

    Thank you Kristie. I read your article and feel better already. I had a good friend who just blew me off - hasn't returned my calls, etc. Funny thing is that she forgot my birthday. (said she was so busy that she missed it!) Then she said she'd call that Sunday afternoon after her daughter and son-in-law left. Never did. I have left two messages for her and she doesn't respond. Can't understand it for the life of me. After twenty years of friendship, how can you just throw it away without a conversation? It's very upsetting to me and yet I feel angry! Angry that she feels that she was wronged in some way! I don't know. All I know is that I've invested a lot of time and effort only to find out that the person I was spending it on, is not worth getting upset about. Am I wrong?

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• April 28, 2008 by Mia

  Forgiving is actually pretty darn easy so long as you realize that anything can happen and that humans are beings of error. Good rule of thumb is: prepare for the worst but hope for the best...like camping:) Its pretty easy to forget when you forgive at least in the sense of disturbing your own peace and spiritual well-being. Example: When I was 17, I was engaged to a Marine. On 9/10/01 we had a big blow out fight, but it was all petty stuff. The next morning he was in the Pentagon. I was later informed that he died in the crash at the Pentagon. And for many years, I've felt horrible about having such a fight and never having the chance for apologies. Well fast forward to last week. I was just looking around on the internet trying to see if I could find any of his family. No such luck. BUT...I did find him. He lives in Maryland with a wife. Now imagine the ambivalence. Wanting to apologize for the petty argument is nothing in comparison to the anger I felt at finding out that he "faked" his death (in the most atrocious of ways) just to get out of an engagement. All of the negative feelings lasted for all of a day before I simply forgave him. No sense crying over spilled milk because more times than not, getting angry won't even change the circumstances. So just forgive people because I can guarantee that one day you'll need that same grace.

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• March 24, 2009 by Stacey

  As a child my mother left out the bedroom window due to my father being an alcoholic and continuous abuse both verbal and physical.My mom then chose the life of being a drug addict instead of taking us with her. Dad easily won custody proving her unfit. Mom did not try hard enough to prove the same of him. I was the youngest of three girls was in the 1st grade. After mom was gone the abuse was directed to us girls and continued until we either fought back or left the nest too soon. My older sisters got pregnant early, and I decided to fight back. Though fighting back showed Dad I was not taking this anymore I too left the nest too soon and got married at 18 yrs. which caused nothing but drama and sadness in my life. These days I have forgiven both of my parents and love them more than anything. I have full relationships with both of them. They are still divorced and have been for 21 years. They have been friends, and have even lived together as room mates. Forgiving my Mom and Dad for choosing chemical dependency over the well being of their children has been hard. I am thankful for the my Father fighting for us, though its been a rough road and still today I suffer from anxiety and depression, and both my older siblings as well. They will not be here forever, and with talking to them I have realized they did the best they knew how. Forgiving my Father for the abuse was easier than I thought. He cried and apologized for all his wrong doings. Harder though to forgive Mom because her addiction carried on in an evil way until about 8 years ago. I talk to my mom every day on the phone and do all I can to help her. My Father is a loving man who also believes in forgiveness. There is no better feeling than letting go of a grudge. A grudge is more painful to the one who harbors it. So, in the end I love my parents. Nobody is perfect. Who am I to judge.

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• May 16, 2009 by Ann

  I have been married twice. My first husband physically abused me and was emotionally "not there" for me in our 18 years of marriage. He constantly pestered me to make a decision for divorce,after 3 years of separation, I caved in and filed for divorce. He is the father of my children. I asked him to go to counseling and he would not, he decided it was all my fault. My second marriage was also physically abusive, even more so than the first, but this husband after separating decided he wanted the marriage to work. He is going to counseling and to a 12 step program. I believe nothing is too bad to forgive. Think about the Amish family that took "under their wing" the man who murdered their family member. Forgiveness is never easy, sometimes it's downright the hardest thing you ever will do. In some cases forgiveness doesn't mean trusting again or forgiveness allows reconciliation but only with boundaries. But if I held onto everything bad that everyone ever did to me, and my life story is full of them, I would be a basket case. It helps me to remember that I am not perfect and I hurt people myself. I need to take full responsibility for my part however small or large it may be.

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• November 15, 2009 by helen malynn trees

  my father left my mom before i was born and i havent seen him in 18years and it took a tooal on me cause for most of my life i thought something was wrong with me did i not deservie him any or realy any one.then i meet my husben he made me relize that sometimes we do things that we ant pround of but we did it and i still havent seen him but i cant forgive him but i love him cause he made me the person i am today..

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• November 22, 2009 by AW Hess

  I believe in forgiveness--but not serial forgiveness! When a person persists in wrong behavior and asks forgiveness--and repeats that behavior--it is time for a responsible change. The damage being done is too often to other people, not just you. It can be hard to be mature and take responsibility for another person's wrongdoing but it is often the right thing to do. Women and children are those most in need of our help in escaping abuse. Without it the cycle may keep repeating and more lives damaged.

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• December 30, 2009 by KG

  Dorothy you are so right.Today people are so touchy and overly sensetive about so much.There are so many who continue to hurt each other and it's not always intentional but many offenses come from being so overly sensetive.Im currently in a very sad situation where my daughter and separated husband have written me off as though I were dead.Last year I sent them both a trash bag and baggie with ashes because I felt they had burned,cremated.betrayed and destroyed our married life and family.Now going on 18 mos away from my husband and 3 mos with my daughter and grandkids,I feel so betrayed still and they have no idea what pain it has caused me and amazingly with God's grace I have gotten thru all I have been thru since 2008.But my husband and daughter only see where they have been hurt and cannot move past their anger nor do they (and I fear they never will) forgive me.I tried to forgive them and some anger still remains but I just wish they would open their eyes and heart and see that we are all victims of each others abuse and we are all in a pain which need's forgiveness for all.

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• February 3, 2010 by Tara Loo

  Your comment struck a cord with me. I was in a verbally, mentally, and physically abusive relationship for 6 months. I continued to stay with him because he somehow always turned it around that it was my fault or I was crazy. Which I am learning is what abusers do. Anyway, almost 2 months ago he physically abused me to the point where I was in the hospital for 4 days and I almost lost my life. Thank God my children were not around when this happened but I struggle on a daily basis with the fact that he almost left my 2 beautiful, loving, kind, innocent, daughters without a monther. I am in counseling for what he did and we are going through the entire court process which could take up to 2 years. I am so angry for what he did but I also know that I will need to be able to forgive him at some point. I am not ready for that yet, but I know that I cannot completly heal mentally and emotionally until I can forgive him for his decisions, actions, and choices that night. I know that once I am able to forgive I will be able to let go of all the negative feelings and emotions. It is not an easy thing to do, especially under these circumstances, but when I do find it in myself to forgive him, I will do that completly, but I will never forget.

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