The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

The Fib Factor: Are White Lies Irresponsible?

106 Comments

May 20, 2008 by Kathy McManus

Do these pants make me look fat? 

We all tell white lies, but when we do, are we being irresponsible? 

And when we tell white lies as parents—I’ll leave work early for your soccer game—are we harming our kids? 

“Don’t feel bad,” says psychologist Alan Hilfer. “We all tend to lie to our children on a regular basis.” Santa Claus. The Tooth Fairy. Those kinds of little white lies, which stoke kids’ imaginations and make for happy memories, are apparently pretty benign. 

In fact, our ability to tell white lies actually starts when we are young children and our parents and other adults coax us to spare the feelings of others—Tell grandma how much you love the book she sent you. 

According to Professor Victoria Talwar at McGill University, not only are junior’s white lies OK, they’re actually a positive developmental milestone that all children need to achieve. 

Such “pro-social” lying shows that kids have developed sympathy and empathy, which are important aspects of social communication, says Professor Talwar. Her revealing hidden-camera tests with children show that fibbing is part of normal brain development. 

So if lying starts as normal, when are white lies no longer white? Is the current political trend of “misspeaking” something less than lying? Is bluffing OK? White lies have no place on the reality game show Moment of Truth but wouldn’t one be preferable to admitting the truth on national television that you’d prefer to be married to someone other than your spouse? 

Tell us what you think: At what point do white lies start to yellow? Can lying ever be responsible? Do we need to go cold turkey on white lies and learn to value the truth?

106 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• May 20, 2008 by MaryAnn Thompson

  I am disturbed that "Jr's Lies" are a positive developmental milestone. Since When does a lie help you to develop sympathy and empathy. These are behaviors that should be taught through life lessons and the parents that are guiding and teaching their children. My father always use to tell me that if you always told the truth, you never had to remember which lies you told and to whom. What we have lost is the ability to communicate. If my best friend asks "do these make me look fat" what is there to gain by telling her a lie. It's how the information is communicated to the other person that determines if it is hurtful or not. The fact that we are now putting a positive spin on lies (little white or otherwise) is another testimony that in today's society you do not have to take responsibility for anything.

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  • May 22, 2008 by juan mendez

    i think its a rather Utopian belief to say that everybody is ready, willing and capable of accepting the truth. Its the motives behind the lie that, ironically, speak the truth. Did you lie to your wife, to protect your own self interest? Did you lie to a friend to spare him unnecessary grief? Or, did you lie to your kids to protect/preserve their innocence? Would you tell your six year old that Santa is not real, even if the mere notation of Santa brings great joy into their hearts? Just because we know the truth, it does not mean others are ready to hear it. Responsibility is knowing when and to whom it is told to.

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    • July 9, 2010 by JA

      I believe in separating apples from oranges. Except telling a fairy tale to a kid is lying, then not telling your kid that Santa is not real will be lying. In fact, Santa is actually real, for you see a life human bringing gifts and thrills to children under a defined/unique costume. Let us look at another scenario like when you visit a newly born and mother; I've never heard any other comment other than "wow! isn't he or she beautiful, handsome, or cute" not minding how the baby actually looks. It will be callous to say anything otherwise. Now let us discuss the real issue "lies" whether white, yellow, repulsive, criminal or whatever you may call it. Lying is dangerous and totally unacceptable. Where do we draw the line if we begin to redefine lies the with aim to show acceptable or necessary lies. The fact that when you lie, you are trying to cover something that isn't exactly so, should not be questioned. For behind most lies, there is a motive to misrepresent if not hurt. Some have argued that if telling the truth will get you in trouble or hamper you from achieving your objective, why tell it to justify lying as a necessity and therefore an acceptable practice. Lying starts very little and can become perpetual(lying when you would have been otherwise better off). Lies should not be pampered no matter how you try to do it. Truth will always help your conscience and set you free- and you don't have to be religious accept this.

    • September 10, 2010 by donMONEYvon

      My opinion is tellin a lie or lies on MAN is wrong rather its a white lie or black lie a lie is a lie and its all the same. u see my brothers and sisters in Christ its all a trick from da devil thinking a little "White Lie" is okay but its all the same in gods eyez its a SIN thou shall not lie,kill or steal. i mean come on people wake up when r u goin 2 realize he comin back soon. SO NO ITS NOT RIGHT 2 TELL A "WHITE LIE' CAUSE ITS ALL DA SAME IN GODS EYEZ donMONEYvon

  • January 17, 2009 by Marianne McDonald

    I couldn't have said it better myself!

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  • January 30, 2009 by Adriana Sosa

    MaryAnn, if you had a loved one, suffering from low self-esteem issues because of a overweight issue, was very insecure about her entire self, and you knew she was very fragile about the subject of her figure, and she would asked you the "do I look fat" question, I really doubt you would tell her the exact truth, even if you put it in the least hurtful terms

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    • February 7, 2009 by Anonymous

      Adrianna, I know what you mean. But I think that helping her to accept the size she is, if she is bigger, would help her even more. If she can accept who she is, her self-esteem will go up.

    • May 27, 2010 by kira

      if u think she look fat tell her that

  • December 11, 2009 by Ian Tso i'Wohali MacLeod

    I call these "social lubricant" lies. Someone who prides himself on being "completely frank and let the chips fall where they may" is cruel, not honest. The machinery that keeps a society going and in one piece works poorly at best, and communication between the people who make up that society is the main driver and feedback mechanism. Cruelty is throwing sand into the machinery. Telling a woman her baby looks like it belongs in the chimp house at the zoo is NOT honesty; it's simply cruel. Lies like that (telling her it's a cute kid) cause no harm, or shouldn't. If it's something that might cause problems later, then one needs to reconsider. I refuse, for instance, to tell just anyone who asks me what I think of their singing voice that they sound lovely unless they DO. Otherwise, they could, on my word alone, work up their courage and go out and make fools of themselves, be humiliated. That too is an unkindness. Other than such social lubricants, lying is just destructive as far as I've ever seen - sooner or later. Ian

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  • April 22, 2010 by Alice

    Many times when I was growing up people told me that they would call me. And never did. I had less thaan 3 telephone calls in my lifetime. It hurt that they didn't call me but also that they told me that they would. I was a child who's mother died when I was 7 and I had no one to talk to and no friends. I had no adults that would talk to me. I often think of children in large families and the fact that they had no attention. Each lie remained unforgiven...and a burden I carried until I was able to forgive them. I have laid that burden down and ask people not to commit things to children with a flippant attitude. Thanks for the ear. Alice

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  • May 22, 2010 by The King

    We live in a world full of lies: Oswald was not an assassin, he was a "patsy." God never bequeathed any real estate to anyone. King David did not exist. "I'm from the Government and I'm here to help!" It is all lies to cover up murders and murders to cover up lies. An Empire, any empire, cannot long endure when its foundation is built on sand.

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  • July 18, 2010 by Sandie

    There's something to be said for telling the truth and not having to know when you said what and to who. Did you ever think that a white lie is a half truth and sometimes they come back to bite you. Once you begin to deal in half truths its easier and easier to lie, then if you tell the same story half truth you begin to beleave it might be possible to believe. Do you know anyone like that? Can you trust this person or rely on them? Food for thought!!!

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    • August 30, 2010 by B J Josovitz

      Just a question.....I have a friend that lied and said he had backsurgery when he did not (only injured it) in order to get a pillow for his chair while dining out.. He lied again about being on the phone with someone he was not chatting with...if it is so easy to lie about "little"things....what about more important things? He believes these are "white lies".....I say no lie is WHITE...only Black or White! Can this person be trusted? Responses welcome!! (and needed) :)

• May 22, 2008 by James Allard

  "There is a paucity of truth in our world." Todd Rundgren, from the liner notes of his last album "Liars"... While truth may seem to be subjective, it is the only hope in clear communication between people. I feel that the "white" lies are still lies. I prefer to avoid that situation if at all possible, but when conversationally pushed for a straight answer, I will always use some form of preface ("In my opinion," for example) and still speak the truth. It isn't always easy, but as my grandmother always told me, if you tell the truth then you don't have to worry about what lie was told and to whom

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  • May 22, 2008 by juan mendez

    Dont get me wrong, I believe the truth is always best. I am merely advocating responsible truth telling. It is quite selfish to tell someone, who's not ready, the truth, just to make ourselves feel better. But, as always. that's a choice that each one of us must make, and accept, whatever consequences may come.

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    • May 23, 2008 by MaryAnn Thompson

      Juan, I understand what you are saying, or at least I think that I do. Telling the truth is never about making you feel better. Sometimes it is as painful to tell the truth as it is to hear it. What I am advocating is the way that we communicate with one another. Truth is told there are times when none of us want to hear the truth, but it really is putting off the inevitable. Who am I to decide whether someone is ready or not to hear the truth? If I make that assumption then I am putting myself in a position of superiority over someone else. That is not a position I am willing to take on. I don't ever presume to know what is best for anyone but me. I hope that in the end what I am putting out there is the impression that no matter what, I am strong enough, have enough faith and believe in myself enough to always want to hear the truth. As the saying goes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

    • June 8, 2010 by SERGY

      A man who flatters his neighbor Is spreading a net for his steps.

• May 23, 2008 by Pattie Morgan

  While I readily admit there is a need for tact and diplomacy, I don't believe lying is ever a positive thing. Every human being is born with a conscience. This conscience gives us a "funny feeling" when we do something wrong. If we teach our children that some lies are ok, they might learn to ignore their conscience on other matters.

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  • May 23, 2008 by juan mendez

    So how do you explain Santa and all these other fairy tales to children? Children whole heartedly believe in them. Do you just say no they don’t exist, or do you play along? Or do you wait until they more prepared and mature to tell them the truth?

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    • November 24, 2008 by Julie M

      When the girls were small, I told them about Santa, but I also told them "This is a story. Some people believe it's true." I did my best to tell the truth all the time and admit when I was wrong. How else could I say, "Honesty is the best policy"?

    • May 4, 2009 by Bonnie Jean

      I have been teaching my kids that Santa does exist, but not the way I was taught. I teach them to be Santa. They give a present to someone that doesn’t get presents at Christmas; and they write on the present "from Santa". I watched my little sister’s heart be broken when she found out there was no Santa and didn't want to put my kids through that. If someone was to give my kids a present and said it was from Santa I let it go, but I am not the one to play Santa. My youngest daughter had fun being Santa this last year and I enjoyed seeing her face when she was able to play Santa rather than get from Santa. I think this will show the kids how to give as well as receive. I pray they will pass it on to their kids.

    • December 13, 2009 by connie palmer

      I read your comments and wanted to share this true story. A boy of `5 years old, after hearing the true story of Jesus birth in a Sunday school class,approached his mom and said,"Mom, you said we must always tell you the truth; you lied to me,Christmas is about Jesus not Santa Claus. I believe that the tooth fairy, santa claus and other tales are what the adults get a kick out of. Children are trusting and loving and believe whatever parents tell them. These untruths are only a setup to mess them up when they find out the truth. They will start to question the truths that you do share. Lies have lasting effects. Think back when you learn the truth about the lies you were told.

  • October 4, 2009 by Jessie

    I feel it is very healthy indeed for children to have their own beilfs. and when they ask me, I tell them just that. "If you beileve it will be real to you, and that's ok" I tend to let them decide for themselves. When they ask me if I think he's real, or any others, I tell them what I think. For me that's the best way to deal with that, cause I'm not lying, and I'm not taking away from their imagination, or their rights to believe in what they want, rather it's God, santa or the toothfairy. I only know what's real for me not for them. and thats the truth.

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• May 24, 2008 by Cat Jones

  I posed the following question to my 10 year old son..."What if I took you with me to go shopping and I tried on a pair of pants and was like...'Hey, do these pants make me look fat?'...what would you say? Would you tell a little white lie and say that they looked good even though they did not? Or would you tell me the truth?" His reply was that he would just tell the truth...that if I was fat, I would know it, and I would already know that it is not the pants that made me look fat. (Trying not to chuckle from his ultra-honesty) I said 'Well, what if I get my feelings hurt by you being so honest?' He paused for about 5 seconds, then said...matter-of-factly...'I would apologize...then we'd go get ice cream!' Hehe...I love this kid! If only it were that easy for me

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  • June 15, 2008 by Ameliescence

    Yes, I am young. But what I often do is, for this question of "Do these pants make me look fat?" I generally tell people that that is not my area of expertise (in a much simpler fashion, of course) and that it is not up to me to decide. So...in a select situation, is saying "I don't know" an acceptable way of avoiding telling a lie AND telling the truth? Or is it just another lie in itself? I once read somewhere that people have lost the ability to admit they don't know, meaning they give a made-up answer to a question they really don't know anything about. It takes a strong person to tell the truth and say "I don't know." My real question is this: When is saying "I don't know" an adequate, genuine answer and when is it an excuse not to tell the truth?

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• May 28, 2008 by Mia

  I understand very well both views. Realistically speaking, we've ALL done it, even if only once: lied. Whether we did it out of sympathy/empathy sake or for selfish reasons really doesn't matter in the end. Unfortunately, white lies DO hold a little rank in our society of having to have our way all the time. When you call some customer service with a complaint and the representative apologizes, do you REALLY think they CARE? lol Honestly, they're probably putting you on mute while saying "I don't give a _____!" And we even KNOW they really could care less, but we still take comfort in that lie, just as little children take comfort in fairy tales. So I would agree that these lies have a function we apparently can't live without. On the other foot, I've been the giver of honesty more times that not. One of my personal mottoes is that if you don't want to know the truth then don't ask me. Depending on whether or not I feel tact and sensitivity are needed, I'm still telling the truth. I agree with JAMES though. In situations that would normally be "white lie" answers, I preface with the standard "this is my opinion..." or "I believe this to be true..." and spill the beans. If someone asks if they look fat, my reply may even be the truth mixed with a little humor to get a laugh instead of hurt feelings ("Girl that dress is NOT ur friend...BUT you look RAVISHING in this one"). If my truths did hurt someone, depending on the nature of the situation, I may apologize for hurt feelings. A lie only begets a lie. Someone inventing Santa Claus (lied) and now the rest of society has to keep the lie going for kicks and giggles. I just tell my son that a secret person sneaks gifts under the tree at night time. I've found that when dealing with kids, the word "secret" goes a long way and has the same appeal of a colorfully crafted lie. The word still leaves room for the truth to be revealed. My daddy, who is a chronic pathological liar, has said one truth in his day: If you really have to ask, then you already know the truth.

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• May 30, 2008 by NY Parent

  All lies are self-serving. They are not intended (truly) to spare someone else's feelings, but to spare our own. We don't want people to think badly of us, so we lie to questions such as, "do I look fat?" (I find it interesting that "fat" is the go-to hypothetical--we have such issues in this country about our bodies--but that is another blog). But, it is the fear that prompts the question in the first place that creates the "necessity" for the lie. We seem to need verification (root of that word is 'veri' from veritas: truth in Latin) of our sense of self. The real first lie is the one we tell ourselves about our needs/desires/fears. The four basic urges (fight, feed, flee, procreate) are the evolutionary foundation for all our acts, including lying. I suppose we simply haven't evolved to the point where lying isn't necessary and useful. On another point (about hiding spinach in brownies). If you do this, yes you are a hypocrite, but worse, you're a coward. Children do not know what is best for them, so sometimes we must COMPEL them to do things, like eat their spinach. (Parents often don't know what's best, but we must do our best anyway.) When we hide the spinach in the brownie, what we're really doing is hiding from the disapproval and bad feelings our children MIGHT project. No one wants to be "the bad guy" when it comes to children. But our JOB is neither to be good or bad, liked or even loved, but to CARE--take care, give care, care for. Love arises out of care given and taken. Let us all have the COURAGE to do what we think best without fear of feelings we would rather not face. When we fail or make mistakes, let us have the courage to face those facts head on and attempt to do better.

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• May 30, 2008 by Mia

  I don't know if I would go so far as to call someone a coward for putting spinach in brownies, lol. That's just a LITTLE extreme don't ya think? I mean this simply, as far as cooking, but seriously, it is a MEAL, not a murder trial. Liquid chickens (raw eggs) alone are disgusting, as well as vegetable oil, salt, baking soda and flour. Even sugar loses ALL appeal when you're staring at 2-4 cups of it. But adding these ingredients together with a little bit of heat makes this all a delightful treat. Are we so primitive that we can't enjoy good, different, and healthy meals just for the sake of eating each ingredient alone? Now I'm saying all this strictly when it comes to food, but why is it important what a mommy puts in her brownies? Or her casserole?

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  • May 30, 2008 by NY Parent

    I'm ALL for cooking and eating whatever interesting thing people can think up. What I object to is the obfuscation--the HIDING of the spinach in the brownie. If a parent (mother or father--not all mothers cook the meals or make the brownies) says, "try this brownie" then reveals the secret ingredient, that's fine! (There was an "Arthur" episode in which DW ate her spinach when it was in Little Bo Peep Pie). So, I don't object to creativity or even subterfuge to get the best food in the child--but I do object to the hand-wringing about telling our kids lies. It seems to me that is really about wanting permission to lie. A lie is a lie. If you going to lie, live with it. We don't get dispensation for lying when it is supposedly "for someone's good."

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    • June 2, 2008 by Mia

      So let me ask you...is it a lie if we don't just volunteer the information at all or just if the child asks and we don't 'fess up? I'm asking because I wouldn't be ultimately convinced that I'm lying for the reason of not giving my son a rundown of what he's eating ingredient by ingredient.

• June 2, 2008 by Beth Prenot

  Inner dialogue needs to take place first, when we sense the individual with us may not be truthful if we orally pause the question resting silently on our lips. We need to ask ourselves, "Is there something I am doing or have done to create this present situation in which the person I'm with is frightened of being truthful?" Are my actions or my possessions creating feelings of jealousy, superiority, non-safety, or fear? Is there anything I can do or say in this moment which will create a more comfortable moment for the person I'm with? Might I offer the root of a shrub, or share bulbs when I next dig them just to spread their loveliness or garden freshness? Are my actions disrespectful of the other persons abilities to make their own life food decisions or am I being exceptionally strict. Those times we can keep ourselves in the moment we automatically know the right thing to say or do and have no need to put another in a corner. Our senses know the answers before we do. The sense of a lie afoot is the sense of another's discomfort in the moment. If it is possible to lesson rather than increase the negative vibes a moment presents, don't we end up helping the whole of life?

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• June 28, 2008 by Jeff Walker

  I agree that the recognition of, and ability to tell, white lies represents a positive step toward maturity in children regarding how they communicate w/ others. I teach a college course in communication ethics. Lying inevitably proves to be a favorite topic. Most believe so-called "white" lies are fine, yet when pressed they cannot define a "white" lie, much less why a such a lie (let's call it a half-truth) qualifies as ethical communication. Only when we study the (not exclusively) Kantian idea that people should be treated as ends in their own right rather than as means to an end do they begin to question the "total lie" v. "half-truth" v. "whole truth" trichotomy. (I've never been totally convinced of the worth of this trichotomy anyway.) I introduce them to casuistry, a method of ethical deliberation with roots in ancient rabbinic tradition for applying Torah law in specific cases. Casuistry demands a focus on case-based particulars rather than the application of generalized laws to all cases; in ethics it provides a method for deliberating when and how much of the truth should be revealed in a given case. Not a method for twisting the truth, casuistry provides firmer footing for nuanced ethical decision-making. Without such nuance in our daily communication, our communal life and individuals within the community could suffer irreparable, needless harm. Casuistry helps students see that so-called "white" lies aren't about fudging the truth or saving themselves from harm. Instead they learn that the artificial trichotomy between "full truth," "white" lie and "full-blown lie" collapses under its own weight. How much one reveals becomes an ethical decision in its own right, complete with the corrective that we must treat people as ends themselves and never as a means to an end. As such, casuistry eliminates the "white" lie fallacy and does in fact demonstrate maturation and positive mental growth regarding discernment and communication practice. ~Jeff Walker

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• July 15, 2008 by Average Person

  I think we need to look at one white lie we tell our kids: The stork. When your 10 or 11 year old asks 'where do babies come from?' are you going to come right out, telling them the truth, and say "Babies are born when a mommy and a daddy go to bed and they..." Well, let's cut it off there. The point is, white lies are made for the sole protection of children, and that's it. The stork, Santa Clause, all the fantasy stuff, those are white lies. Those are OK. Anything other than that is not.

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  • January 9, 2009 by

    I'll keep it simple. The white lies I was told were the best, Santa Claus, tooth fairy etc. I am a grandmother today and my mother is still alive and I let her know that, that part of my childhood was priceless. We were very poor but my parents white lies gave me great memories. I love to see my grandchildren enjoy their childhood. What pertains to adulthood is altogether a reality of what you believe to be the truth.

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• December 23, 2008 by Richard Bruce

  Assume you are a Christian. Substitute the name, "Jesus" for "Santa." Now how do you proceed?

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• December 23, 2008 by Jason Gardner

  Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny are all real. They are real! You guys are just non believers!

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