Teaching Manners: Parents or Teachers
May 7, 2010 by Kathy McManus
A classic Mary Poppins question was posed on a London blog: Who should be responsible for teaching children manners?
Writing on SchoolGate at the London Times, Sarah Ebner says that in recent years, teachers “seem to have been put in the position of surrogate parents and etiquette experts, with increasing pressure to teach what used to be taught at home.” Are schools and teachers now given “too many parental responsibilities?” she asked, turning for guidance to Gillian Low, head of Britain’s presumably prim and proper association of private girls schools.
“An education in courtesy must begin in the home if it is to have effect,” said Low, noting that by the time children arrive at school, “it is too late to start; indeed bad (and good) habits can already be entrenched.” Leave no doubt about it, Low concluded, “This education in good manners is, I believe, a duty of parenthood, to be reinforced by schools, not the other way around.”
Have too many parents relinquished responsibility to teach their children manners?
Related ///
A Champion for Homeless Pets
The founder of The Best Friends Animal Society explains the origins of the “no kill movement” and his continued efforts to help homeless animals.
On Cloning Extinct Animals
Are we ready for scientists to clone a real-life Jurassic Park?
The Reputation Economy
Couch-surfing, helpful information, free goods and services – thanks to the Internet, relying on the kindness of strangers is easier than ever.
TED Talk: Sir Ken Robinson
A thought-provoking argument that schools need a new focus on nurturing creativity.
Europe Deems 2014 the Year Against Food Waste
Should we take waste stats more seriously?
44 Comments
What do you think? Leave a comment
May 13, 2010 by mother of 10
having children of my own that span 20 years i have been able to see the results of both sides of this issue. i drove school bus for 3 years and i saw both: the kids taught at home and those taught in school or day care and there is a big difference in manners and behavior. I could tell by watching the students interacting with each other on the bus but also loading and unloading. Those taught at home were much more polite to the other students. I wanted to know if i was correct in my assessment and started asking if the student was in daycare or at home when he/she was a preschooler. The most polite children were those at home with a parent before starting school. I also asked the students if they have dinner at home at nite as a family and again the answer was that those most polite had the evening meal as a family. My children are very well mannered and i have had no worries in the past when they were small about them acting out in public and on rare occasions when they did we took them out of the room and got the situation under control before reentering. we taught them at home the proper manners for the different places where we took them (ie store, church, school, restaurant etc). To many parents just let their children do what they feel like doing anywhere they want and that getts to be an annoyance to others (even those that have kids of their own). Good or bad behavior is learned by kids in the largest amount before they start school. A good rule of thumb is don't let your preschooler do anything you would not let a 14 fourteen year old do. If you don't want your 14 year old throwing food at the table don't let your 2-3 or four year old do it. Same thing for spitting out food or complaining about the food served. Above all don't let your little one get down and run the house during a meal teach them to sit till all are done you don't have to leave food in front of them to throw or smash on things that can be removed when they are through eating but have them sit till all are done. This seriously reduces the Wild behavior at the table in public. Most parents do not want to take the time to teach good manners but they should because this also makes home life easier as well. It is hard at the beginning but hang in there it is worth it to all the kids come in contact with everywhere.
Reply
June 2, 2010 by Terri
Thank You for this I am a step mom of a almost 10 year old whos Father will not teach her manner and becomes very upset when I do take the time to remind her to use a napkin not her shirt.but at the moment I am trying to have her stop crunching her ice from her drink after each bit of food and sometimes with food.this really upsets Dad and the child look at dad as if I am killing her !
Reply
August 11, 2010 by Judy
Well another approach to the crunching of ice is to explain that is will crack and fracture all the teeth in the mouth. This will either lead to expensive caps or loss of teeth. I know, I stopped chewing ice after 2 expensive dental caps and periodontal surgery done to the root of the teeth.
August 17, 2010 by ann
i agree my husband do the same thing some of the time even, when i ask them to clean their room, put their plate in the disher washer, rainse their plate out, leaving dishes in their room ,hiding disher., in their room or in the washingmachine, freezer downstair, in their clothes draw in their bedroom, and so on,,,instead of aware he appear in court ...
February 15, 2011 by A fed up Angel mom
good advice but what do you do when the child HAS BEEN taught good manners at home, has been shown the example of good behaviour/manners, etc, EVERYTHING you said yet they still REFUSE to exercise what they have been taught from a young age. My almost 10 year old has been told every day for 2 YEARS not to be mean, not to use foull language, not to leave things around etc but its like he wants to be repremanded for his actions. he is selfish, which is something I cant stand, he is ignorant and rude, has a HUGE attitude problem, asks OBVIOUS questions that he KNOWS the answer to, throws toys or whatever he can find around my year old baby even though he has been told umpteen times not to but he just doesnt care to listen and practice the lessons he has been taught. I know he's a kid but i just cant use this excuse anymore. I am at my wits end with him and since he was taught at a very young age all the things Im still trying to get to him, it goes in one ear and out the other...
Reply
May 29, 2010 by Sandy DeWitt
Since children don't go to school until they are about five years old, wouldn't it be worth a parent's time and energy to instill good manners just to make their own lives easier and more pleasant? Maybe that's why people want to send their children to babysitters, day care, etc even if they don't work. They just need to get away from their wild children.
Each culture a person joins has a different code of conduct. At home parents have different expectations of behavior than the school teacher, dance or music teacher, or the little league coach. Rules in these different environments are tailored to suit the activities engaged in while the children are there.
Give your children basic training and let the teacher, coach, etc add their requirements as your child attends functions in these environments.
And, PLEASE, if you leave your children with trustworthy keepers, back them up if your child misbehaves and is censured for it. Your child will understand that the group leader is your agent while you are absent and should be obeyed as if you were standing there. If your child complains he had to stand in the corner, check it out and don't just assume "teacher doesn't like my child".
Reply
May 30, 2010 by brenda hopson
I think that kids shouldn't eat with their mouth open, ,they shouldn't talk with food in their mouth,shouldn't much noise with thierfood or whilethey are eating it . our grandson's mother don't seen to worry her as it does us. We told that she needs to teach her son some table maners at the table. She that she just look over him. My other 1\2 told her she shouldn't look him. Moms and dads don't teach thier kids those things. It is pretty bad.
Reply
June 2, 2010 by Terri Perez
Very helpfull I am haveing to look up manners and print them .as to help my almost 10 year old step Daughters dad to understand that this is something that parent teach there kid and that it is not going to kill her to learn manners.the child become upset and the dad question me as if Im killing the kid!
Reply
June 2, 2010 by charlene
Yes schools should teach manners. Parents don't do it anymore because they don't use manners them selves.Somethings they teach in school are useless so why not teach kids something that will help them in this mean world? It put a smile on my face when a young person holds the door open or treat people with respect.I see it a little more with the young parents teaching manners to there kids these days. I don't know what happened to the generation after my 37 year old daughter. It's coming back slowly.I live near a shelter for runaway teens. Now let me tell u ,manners or respect? They are between 12 and 18.They don't go to school,they smoke,drink. Tell people that walk by to give them money or what ever.They stand on the sidewalk wont move so a 78 year old lady has to walk in the road. The potty mouths on them are out of control and so are the kids.This place that is funded by the state,city and privet parties don't give these kids any consequences for their actions.They are so disrespectful to the people that work there and this town.They need to be on a farm to work for the food they eat and the roof over their heads. I have talked to the head person in charge.He says the first thing they do is get them food and a bed then they try to work on they problems they have.That was just a cop out.I asked many questions and that's pretty much the answer i kept getting. Those kids are our future don't they get it? They offered a G.E.G class and only one kid went for it out of at lest 20. Our state ,by law says kids under 16 have to be in school. This shelter is untouchable when it comes to the law.They don't have to let the police in.These kids do something like robbing people and this shelter protects them because they are teens with problems. Adults educated ones at that ,that are teaching teens of today that it's O.K to do all these things.So it's not just the parents.That is why i feel so strongly about kids being learning manners in school.With that they also learn how to be a good and productive adult in life.
Reply
June 4, 2010 by LaraLei
My daughter wants to use her knife to push peas onto her fork. Her dad says that is OK. I was taught not to push food onto your fork with anything. What is right?
Reply
June 13, 2010 by DANNIELLE
That's Strange that you were taught not to practice good table manners! Table manners are as follows: 1. Never chew with your mouth open 2. Use a Knife and fork (instead of picking up food with your hands 3. Eat at the table (if you have one) 4.Make sure to use please and thank yous (teachers children to do the same) 5. Don't allow your children to slurp juice in cups (its annoying and rude) 6. Children shouldnt play with their food or be taught that its ok These are just a few which my mother taught me.
Reply
August 11, 2010 by Judy
USA and other countries also use the knife to push their food onto their fork. This is proper etiquette.
Reply
June 6, 2010 by jessie mother of 3
I believe that manners are learned at home,but parents need help knowing what manners should be taught.Seems that we have forgotten how to be polite and how to say please and thank you.Seems that people nowadays think sarcasm is a wittier way to comunicate and that is what our children are learning. I want my children to learn respect and manners,but am at a loss to how to instill it.I would never talk back or argue with my parents but my kids think they can talk to me anyway they want .I need somewhere to go or a class to attend to help me and give me guidance on how to instill these values.I am so tired of yelling and I dont want to spank all day. When I was a kid I knew there were consequences,I quess I can start there. Our kids need to learn values and personal space and respect,and how to listen and not speak out of turn,not to mention how to wait until a person finishes talking before asking a question .Anything else I can instill to raise a responsible loving well rounded adult?
Reply
June 6, 2010 by Davia
I am a middle school math teacher in Colorado. I agree with most of the previous posts. I work with students who come from less than ideal homes, where parents are often not available or are not positive role-models for their children. As a teacher, I notice that there is a relationship with how well a student behaves in school and how involved their parents or in most cases, parent, is in their lives. That is not something I have the power to control as a teacher. What I can control is how I expect students to behave in my classroom and on the campus. Of course, I would like such positive behavior to transfer to their home life and life outside of school, but that is again something I cannot control. Now, I do become frustrated when students do not understand how to behave, but in most cases, they have not been shown how to behave appropriately. But I understand that teaching students etiquette and appropriate behavior is just one of the many facets of my responsibility as a teacher. This endeavor will also help when having my own child, as I will understand more clearly how to explicitly explain, demonstrate and model etiquette and positive behavior. I don't mean to sound self-righteous, just realistic. I hope this helps by providing a teacher's perspective to this conversation.
Reply
August 7, 2010 by Sarah
Right you are!
Reply
August 31, 2010 by Suzanne
Teachers are responsible for educating the whole child. However, like many other teachers, I do not eat with my students. They have lunch in the cafeteria with their friends, and I eat in the staff room. Therefore, I do not feel responsible for teaching my students table manners.
Reply
June 9, 2010 by Debra K
This is not always the parents!! My son goes to school with mouthy kids and brings it home! He always has an answer after I tell him the right way to act.If I rase my voice not yell he tells me "Your yelling"Always fresh to me more than Dad!! He is 11 and I wish I could afford private school!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deb
Reply
June 10, 2010 by Tiffany Lynn Blake
I am a 6th grade teacher as well as an etiquette coach. I get the pleasure of seing both sides of the spectrum. I believe as educators it is our responsiblity to prepare students to be active members of society. This requires instilling values, ethics as well as other lesson that go beyond the classroom. I also believe that teachers and parents should have a partnership and share the interest of making each child reach their full potential academically as well as socially. Etiquette and manners should be a apart of the school curriculum at every grade level. I believe that this would make learning more fun and teacher will use more of their time teaching instead of correcting behavioral problems. This will also reduce conflict usulaay caused by students violating one anothers social space and not knowing how to act.
Tiffany Lynn Blake
Reply
June 15, 2010 by Dot King
I wish I could go from school to school to teach proper manner to children. I believe if you teach them while they are young, I believe it will stick with them. It is sad but parents do not teach their children manners anymore. I substituted for 17 years and 9 out of 10 children were so rude. I tried to incorporate it into the lessons of the day but it was so hard for some teenagers because they didn't have to use manners at home. Teenagers think they know it all of course, I know I did. However I did always use manners as I was taught as a child. We weren't punished for not using good manners we were simply taught what GOOD manners are and that it was a rule in our family. There is no reason children shouldn't be taught good manners.
Reply
July 1, 2010 by terri
I am trying to teach my 9 year old table manners .she likes to crunch her ice at the table! with every sip comes a crunch.and with each bit of food she crunches her ice with food in her mouth.so really her dad gets upset if i ask her to please not do this and that it is bad manners and rude to those at the table.Im not sure what to do at this point if i remind her to watch her manners she looks at her dad and he will question me and dinner becomes a big upset . maybe i should just let her out grow it, but she will be 10 years old in a month ?????
Reply
1 2 3 »
Tell us what you think.
Let the world know what you think, but please do so responsibly. Comments are moderated and we will not post personal attacks, obscene language or inappropriate material, comments with links, or comments from people under the age of 18. If you have a question, check out our Comment Submission Guidelines.