Returning Adopted Kids: Unthinkable?
January 26, 2010 by Kathy McManus
Return unused portion for refund. It’s the traditional safety net when a product fails to please or perform.
But should returns be allowed for adopted children?
The Tulsa World reports that parents Melissa and Tony Wescott want to return their 11 year-old adopted son to state custody because they say he had severe behavioral problems not disclosed prior to his 2007 adoption, including reactive detachment disorder, disruptive behavior disorder, major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and fetal alcohol syndrome.
The Wescotts say that soon after the adoption, the boy attacked a neighbor child with a board, killed and injured animals, began regularly running away, and hid butcher knives and lighters in his room. “He tried to burn our home down,” said Melissa Wescott. “The note read: ‘I’m sorry you had to die.’”
State documents described the child as “polite and well mannered.”
Because the Wescotts can’t afford the lengthy legal process of having the adoption “dissolved,” they are asking the state to enact a law allowing adoptive parents to return children under certain circumstances.
“If a family can show they have exhausted every resource…to save their families and this is what they’re left with, then I think they should have this as an option,” said one supporter of the proposed legal change. “No one should be held hostage in their own homes.”
“A parent is a parent,” countered a state adoption official. “It doesn’t matter where the child came from.”
The boy has been confined to a psychiatric hospital for almost a year, and is now scheduled for release, but the Wescotts say they’re afraid to let him back in their house. Without the new law they’re seeking, they could face felony abandonment charges by turning him away.
“It hurts us to see him like this, but he doesn’t want to be with us,” said Melissa Wescott. “It’s not like we are trying to return an itchy sweater.”
Tell us what you think: Who is responsible for the boy—the Wescotts, or the state? Should parents ever be allowed to return adopted children?
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678 Comments
What do you think? Leave a comment
January 27, 2010 by Vix
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January 9, 2011 by Beverly Baldwin
Yes they should. It is clear this child does not want them as parents. They were lied to by the state. This child is out of controll. No one should live in fear of their child. The state should pay for this child's needs and take this child back. Not all adoptions work.
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August 6, 2011 by tony
put the kid away.first its animals next it will be people
August 18, 2011 by Bev-anne
From the article, we know only the parent's opinion that the child doesn't want to be with the family. It would be best to get his side of the story as well before pronouncing judgement.
September 14, 2011 by Susan Barger
They should be able to have some way to dissolve the adoption. As an adoptive and foster parent, I have had many placements that their behaviors and backgrounds were not fully disclosed to us before we made the decision to bring them into our home. But to find out the full story months later after much trauma and pain for both parties involved. I do believe that Social workers often color coat the child's past behaviors and needs to obtain a placement. But often those behaviors dont come to the surface until they feel comfortable revealing them either,so it is a thin line to walk when deciding to adopt a child. You never know how a child is going to react to a certain situation.
September 20, 2011 by Jalestra
I think when a kid tries to burn a house down and leaves a note that says "Sorry you have to die" it's more than an opinion he doesn't want to be there. It's almost a confirmed fact. The child obviously needs psychological help and a single year in a facility when he is displaying classic serial killer behavior is not near enough. I think in this case it's not about "returning to the state" as it is protecting himself and others in a permanent care facility.
September 22, 2011 by lisa smith
You would think you should be able to return a child and it times maybe it might be ncessary. however this child has severe reactive discorder and other disorders that usually are a result of being abandoned and not feeling loved. What will this child do if returned? This child may love them and is testing to see how much they love him. Granted kind of severe method he is using BUT any child in state custody is going to have problems though the state agency should be fined and the money given to the parents or make the state liable for all treatment since they lied and the parents may not have adopted this child and they would have had to pay for treatment till the age of 18 but for this adoption. that would give state agencies less of an incentive to lie about the children in their care.
November 15, 2011 by Kate
In California you can return the child for not having received full disclosure if you do it within the first five years. I adopted 4 kids and returned 2. I was not told they had bipolar, attachment disorder, oppositional disorder, fetal alchohol syndrome and PTSD. The foster system ants these kids adopted and lies.Every one suffers as a result. My son left bruises all over my body, tried to run us off the road when driving, and smeared feces all over the house. My daughter tried to kill me and her sister...trying tice to chokie me and smother her sister with a pillo. They were "polite and well-mannered" to strangers. That's classic for reactive attachment disorder. In the end I had their pediatrician call CPS and say I could not take care of their emotional needs. They went into foster care. You can get a public defender from the court and there are no criminal charges. It's painful because YOU are treated like a criminal but it ends the nightmare. Our pediatrician had done this before and was able to help us.
December 20, 2011 by cathering
Absolutely! I respect their bravery in an effort to turn a tragedy into a victory for other parents facing the same issues. The state should be held accountable for falsely reporting the child as well-mannered when every aspect of his behavior revealed otherwise. Remember the Jeremy Stromeyer case in California, where the adopted child was reported as being from a stable set of parents with no drugs or fetal alcohol syndrome detectable? Jeremy killed an innocent young girl in the restroom of the Primadonna Hotel in Laughlin, Nevada.
December 28, 2011 by Marissa Kneip
I agree, this child needs to be locked up and evaluated. I see a serial killer in the making. You cannot save the world.
August 25, 2011 by Mellissa
i am a adopted person and it does something to your mind im not crazy but adopted children do have a unlined problem im 33 and just now am figuring out why i acted like i did and why i have these strong emotions that i cant seem to put my finger on im glad i was adopted i love my parents so thats not why its just the fact that when your adopted rather you show it or not there is something that is unexplained. so no i dont think she people should be able to put this kid out in the system he has problems so what its not like you adopted a pet he is a person and with time and help im sure he will grow up and function in a normal manner.but i also feel that too much help can damage you too i dont belive in going into a room and having some stranger talk to you and tell you how you feel or why we are human we can figure this out ourselfs it has never helped me in anyway actually all it did was hash up hurtfull feeling that i couldnt even deal with god is the answer i pray everyday and i will be praying for this poor child sounds like to me at the first problem they went over the top and started making him feel crazy and unwanted and this is why he is acting this way.but that just goes to show oh i want to adopt i want a baby everyone is not cut out for this so they need to make it harder for people like this to get a child like i said before your adopting a child not a animal this child will probley but have all kinds of problems now just cause these people didnt are not fit to raise someone elses kids.........sad but true like i said i was awful as a child for no reason i just acted out cause i had abdoment issues but my family loved me and treated me right and i have a wonderful life.
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August 26, 2011 by LAB
That you are adopted was a blessing for you. This young man who is the subject of the article is a very dangerous personality and harming and killing animals is the start of something very serious. Help and time will not cure this problem. This child, by all means, needs to be sequestered from society because he is a danger to all who cross his path. The unfortunate thing is that many older children who are still in the foster system awaiting permanent loving homes have problems because they are moved from foster home to foster home with very different environments in each. They put on their company manners when someone shows interest in adding them to their family, but their frustration and anger soon comes to the surface because they have absolutely no say in their own destinies. Four of my cousins are adopted--two as infants and two biological siblings. Three of them are abundantly successful. One (one of the biological siblings) has severe mental problems because he and his sister were abused in foster care. He is in his late 40s and will always carry the scars from that experience. These four cousins were given everything they could ever need or want--our whole family never questioned but fully accepted them as family members. Three are able to be grateful for what they have been given; one is unable to get beyond the abuse he suffered at the hands of his own natural mother and then the anxiety suffered in the foster system.
August 29, 2011 by Jenna
I'm also adopted and 34, and I swear i have no abandonment issues and I also was a really good kid, nothing different than my own daughters. Sure I would be naughty from time to time, but nothing bad, nothing major. It sounds to me like the boy mentioned here has problems that these people cannot handle. He needs to be in the custody and care of people who can keep him safe, and themselves, experts in handling cases like these. I know the parents who want to return him are not bad people. They're just scared people, and unknowledgeable people in this realm. It can take ten years or more to learn to handle this sort of psychopathic personality, and so it really would be better for him and them to turn him back over to the care of someone who can monitor things. But I don't think it is fair to say all adoptees have issues - I really don't think that's true. I love my mom and dad and they did really well by me. Yep, they made mistakes - what parent doesn't - but never once have I felt they treated me different than their biological children and never once have I felt they were unfair to me (beyond the normal teenage girl what do you mean I can't stay out til 2 AM like everyone else unfairness).
September 19, 2011 by km
Someone else said it here: there is no easy answer for this situation. However, how much more damaged will that boy be when he finds out that yet another family didn't want him? Personally, I have no tolerance or patience for ill-behaved children, and as a result I made a conscious decision not to have kids, but this isn't just an ill-behaved child. He's a true danger to himself and the family, but I just can't see him getting any better being locked away or pushed into yet another group home. He's been in therapy for a year now...maybe give him another shot? My heart goes out to the families struggling with these decisions.
October 21, 2011 by Stacey
The family has other people to think about too. He could hurt or even kill a family member (or a neighbor) I don't think be should be abandoned but I think the agency needs to take repsonsibility to have this child get the help he needs. Raising a child with this type of anger is a full time job. You have to make sure that he is getting what he needs and that you are protecting your other children. Most people who adopt are prepared for some exhibitions of hurt and anger but not this extreme.
October 21, 2011 by tim
Give him back. Humans have feelings and emotions and are the most important thing on this earth, but the situation itself it like anything else. If a car dealer tells you the car is in mint condition, and the brakes fail as you are driving home almost killing you, not only can you give it back, but you can sue! Now if the boys report stated that he had a few developmental and behavioral issues and the parents adopted, then they are stuck. But THE STATE clearly TRICKED these parents into taking this child because THEY didnt want him. And now THEY are using the law THEY created to make these parents responsible for a child THEY didnt want. Completely unfair and unjust. I understand other adopted children feel like if they could be given back they would be devastated and they disagree, but this is different. Those adopted kids didnt try to kill their parents. Maybe thought about it and threw temper tantrums, but this kid tried to BURN A HOUSE DOWN! Under these circumstances, give him back.
October 22, 2011 by Jennifer
You don't say how old you were when you were adopted. I was adopted, too, but at birth. I acted out as a child. I've been depressed, seen psychiatrists, and am on medication. But it had nothing to do with adoption. But the situation this article is talking about is far from normal. The boy is a danger, not only to his family, but to society, too. He will not grow up to be a normal person, who fits in with everyday society. Can you honestly, sit there and say, that a child who kills animals will grow out of it? Maybe you should take him in.
October 31, 2011 by Karen S
You say you are "sure" this child will grow up to be a good person. How can you say that. Are you the good angel on his right shoulder??? You should learn to only speak for yourself.
November 25, 2011 by michelle
Attempting to burn downthe family home a bit extreme and not an issue of "well I was just a sad kid who felt abandonment issues". This child is beyond this families ability to help and need to be returned. The real culprit in this is the birth mother (fetal alcohol syndrome) and the system that eventually led him to be placed up for adoption. I feel terrible for him but even more so for this couple...they deserve to feel safe in their own home. And hurting adn killing animals???? In my book that would earn you a train ticket back to the loony bin.
December 2, 2011 by Mark Soule
WOW!!! First of all this family has a case against whoever they adopted through. If it is the state, or a private agencey, full disclosure is VITAL.
That being said...This is not a sweater we're talking about. I'm looking at postings here about adoptive families that sent 2 back...like your shopping. I feel sorry for the remainder of the children in your care.
There are no easy answers at all but the family in this story, adopted for the wrong reasons as indicated by their absolute lack of thinking, preparation etc prior to adopting. I am not saying "love is enough..." it is not.
Stories like this get more people deciding not to adopt or going overseas because the kids are not "damaged" as they are here. They are damaged by living with people paid to take care of them. They are damaged because some pollyanna couple say "we'll adopt" and poorly prepared for it.
I am the youngest of 6 and we were all adopted and currently I run an organization aimed at getting children out of foster care and into adoptive homes.so I'm not just spouting my opinion here.
Shame on all of us. The family in this case should stop trying to change the law, and deal with your own, angst, anger, saddness (whatever you have) at being deceived. Don't make this worse for the 120,000 children who need families - not beds.
December 29, 2011 by Mary-Lee
Thanks, Melissa, for telling the truth about adoption. Every child who is adopted has been separated from a birthmother and whether or not he remembers the separation, he knows it somehow. We are foolish to expect a child to articulate the loss he feels when he has no language to tell us about it. Even worse are the comments from those around him who tell him how lucky he is to have been adopted.
I also was adopted. I was too not able to exorcise my own demons for many years because I did not realize that the demons originated with adoption. All I can say is that any parent who adopts is getting a child with problems. If they are not willing to deal with those problems, or even worse, if they pretend the problems do not exist, their child will keep on reminding them until they do.
August 25, 2011 by Patricia Clark
In Oklahoma there is a 6 month period where the child is in your home for those 6 months before the adoption is final. This can only be waived by the attorney for the children and their social worker petitioning the judge and it rarely is allowed for what is called "stranger adoption" (an adoption that is not a family member).
My husband and I are in the process of adopting a sibling group of 4 from Oklahoma. They have been in our home for two months now. Is it perfect, no it is not, but we didn't expect perfection, we expected that our children would have issues that have to be worked out, that doesn't mean that you return them. This is the problem with the world today and why many of these children end up in the system to begin with. If they aren't the perfect commodity, well lets just throw them away after all that is what their parents did right?
When you make the decision to adopt, whether it is a private infant adoption, a foreign adoption or a DHS or state adoption, you the ADULT are making a commitment to this child or children that you will be their PARENT for better or worse. You can't just divorce your children because they aren't perfect. Would people be as willing to accept a person deserting their biological child? Becoming adoptive parents through the state isn't an easy thing. It is a long drawn out process and takes anywhere from 18 months to a few years to finalize. And Adoptive parents go through classes that are very direct about what they can expect.
In Oklahoma, the state will continue to pay for counseling even after the adoption is finalized as well as any medical, it isn't like these children were dumped in someone's life and then the state shut the door on them.
In the end, if you make a commitment to parent a child whether you gave birth to that child (which only takes 9 months) or you adopted a child which takes at least twice as long if not longer, If you find you cannot parent your biological child, you usually find a school or in extreme cases an institution where they can be as happy as possible and you can still be there to support and love them, I don't believe it should be any different in adoption.
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August 31, 2011 by Jean
We, too, adopted a sibling group with attachment disorders. Until you've lived it, it's nearly impossible to understand the dichotomy of loving your children and the intensity of living with their issues. We've had our kids for 16 years now. They would be much worse off if we hadn't adopted them, but they still have huge problems that all the love in the world won't take away. As they become adults, the problems get much more serious and complicated. Having lived it, my advice to you is to face reality as quickly as possible. Make sure you protect your marriage and your own sense of self worth. This is not the starry-eyed situation you think it is. You're doing a remarkable thing for these kids, but it will not be even close to easy. It will affect dozens of other people in your lives, and it will be hard to find people who understand what you're going through. And if you don't pray, it would be good to start. This isn't something you can do alone. Blessings and strength!
September 3, 2011 by Ben Over
Hello, The kid tried to burn the house down - perfect no - that's a FELONY
September 5, 2011 by Tre
People do turn their natural born biological children over to state custody when those children are dangerously mentally ill and the parents cannot help or handle the situation. I can't see this as any different, except that while biological parents may want or hope for future contact once the child becomes well, adoptive parents maybe too traumatized to want future contact with the adopted child. I would think that adoptions would not be finalized for a year or more to be certain their are no major problems that cannot be remedied.
September 7, 2011 by Cindy
To the adoptive parents that adopted siblings from OK.
So things are not "perfect" in your situation,and you stand by the fact that you adopted for better or worse, how would you feel if your kids tried to kill you? Don't judge these people, they are doing the right thing, This child is dangerous.
September 12, 2011 by SophieCat
"Imperfect" children are VERY DIFFERENT from children WHO TRY TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
These parents are not asking for these children to be perfect - far from it! These parents were LIED TO by the agency about the severity of this child's mental illness.
This child has psychopathic tendencies, and what's even worse - this child is smart enough to know how to keep a lid on his psychopathic tendencies long enough to fool the right people at the right time. He's clever. He's manipulative. And HE'S EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
This situation will only get worse.
This couple is in danger of losing their lives to this child - and what will happen to the child? He'll be hospitalized somewhere - given three square meals a day, "therapy" of all kinds, and medications. He'll be just fine.
Meanwhile, two well-meaning people are rotting in their graves, MURDERED by a child they were only trying to help!
This is RIDICULOUS. The state LIED to these people, and now the state wants to blame the adoptive parents? RIDICULOUS.
September 29, 2011 by reactive attachment parent
Until you have walked a mile in these people's shoes don't judge them, I have three adopted siblings, one with reactive attachment disorder, OCD, ADHD and probably many other undiagnosed issues, and it is far different from parenting a regular kid, you have no idea until you have lived it, and by the way 6 months isn't nearly long enough to know when the children are young if it is a good fit, and many of these complex children can go haywire when an adoption is finalized that may have seemed fine prior to finalization. The states and counties are not forthcoming with all the information that they know, after all they are in the business of placing children with families to get them out of the system. And it also takes years worth of working with shrinks and psychologists to find out sometimes what the real problems are. Don't judge people until you have experienced these things yourselves, would you like to go to bed at night thinking this might be the night that your kid burns your house down with you in it, I think not, I know I don't enjoy it. You people with regular kids or no kids have all the answers I know and you will never understand.
October 3, 2011 by Chris
We adopted 6 kids from Oklahoma (2 with what turned out later to be severe mental issues) - I understand COMPLETELY what this couple is going through - until you have lived it - don't condemn these people!! There are currently over 10,000 kids in state custody in Oklahoma - if you want to bash these people, go adopt yourself then feel free!
October 8, 2011 by Been there
Dear Adopting in OK,
You're still in the "honeymoon" period. Two months in? Wait until you're two years in and your adoptive children have pulled out their absolute worst behavior (at two months, they're still being "good")...then tell those of us who've lived it that there should never be a change of mind. I wish my parents had a "get out clause"...I'm almost 40 and back then there was NO additional support for adoptive families...my adopted sibling took a very peaceful family and turned us inside out. I haven't spoken to my adopted sibling in 10 years and in the 10 years before that? Maybe once or twice. That person never saw us as their family....and is not attached to us at all.
October 10, 2011 by Deb
You do not understand that the constant chaos a child like this creates can very well tear a family apart. This child is severely damaged emotionally and has significant mental illnesses. A typical set of parents is just not able to care for such a child. The child needs to live in an environment that is extremely structured and where the child is held accountable for his actions 24/7. These boundaries, which he is not able to access within himself, are important to his one day - hopefully - being able to live in this world. Children with these kinds of issues want to be loved, yet do not trust love and sabotage love. You can't blame that on an adoptive parent who had every good intention. Children with the severe problems that this child has cannot be assimilated into a family home. I believe parents should have the right to say, this child requires a residential level of therapeutic care that we simply cannot provide. Psychiatry, medication, family therapy and individual therapy aren't enough. The child needs to be removed from the home for his sake and for the parents' sake.
October 21, 2011 by Tim
Why cant you divorce a child? You can divorce a husband or a wife. Sounds reasonable. You say that the kids you adopted arent perfect, and are sometimes bad, but you must stick with it for better or worse. Tell me, have your adopted kids murdered any animals in cold blood lately? Have you found butcher knifes with "your name on it" so to speak, their rooms? Have any of your children actually tried and almost succeeded in burning your house down with the attempt to murder you? I doubt it. This kid might not get any better back in the state custody system, but at least he wont be ruining these peoples lives and murdering people.
November 5, 2011 by anne
If you were mislead and given a dangerous and violent child with a multitude of medical and psychological issues then you should absolutely be able to return the child. there was a similar case in Miami where the child welfare workers hid the fact that an adopted child had a mother with mental health problems, drug abuse etc and tht the child may have them. The parents specifically said they were not prepared to deal with a child who may have these severe issues. The adoption agency lied and the adopted child at 13 years of age, slit the throat of his friend in the bathroom of the school. The victim child died and after the fact the adoptive parents were told about the mental history/issues of the adopted child and his biological mother. Had they been made aware of the issues they could have looked for signs before this tragedy happened. Give the child back and the state needs to graciously take the child back.
November 24, 2011 by Former Foster Parent
I will never forget the experience of being physically attacked by a six year old boy barely out of 4t's, then to hold and snuggle him as he bawls his eyes out and confesses that he is trying to be as bad as he can so he will be sent to jail so he can be with his mom. These kids are so messed up and all of the love in the world will not fix them.
What are you to do for the greater good? Even after being diagnosed as RAD, ODD, and a myriad of other disorders, including borderline sociopath at the tender age of six, we were going to adopt he and his five year old sister so they had no other rejections that would compound his issues and start her on the same path.
That was two years ago. To this day, we still have family members, neighbors, and former friends that still will not speak to us over the issues with this little boy. They have since been adopted by a family from the other side of the state. I hope they have what this child needs. We certainly did not.
December 1, 2011 by F Thomas
Ma'am I too was adopted and yes when you adopt children is no different from giving birth, I birthed two; however, if my birth child killed animals and burned my home down, he would be turned over to the state for help...This couple should be allowed to turned this kid back over to the state, and the State should be responsible for getting the child the help he need, before he grow up into a serial killer....
August 26, 2011 by Michele
Clearly - the parents were deceived - by not being told about this boy's problems, and the fact that he is dangerous.. Why should they be forced to keep him? I feel for them - for the kid too, but they shouldnt have to take him back, and live in fear. If you are afraid of your own kid, he obviously has problems.
Also - why is he getting out of the psychiatric hospital after one year only? Sounds to me his problems are very deep rooted, and if he kills animals, and tried to burn the hour down and is physically violent, I doubt a whole year in the hospital cured him.
Unfortunately, these are the kids who turn out to be serial killers, or other criminals, especially if he is already hurting animals. They need to open their eyes, and keep him in a psychiatric facility until he truly has gotten all of the help he needs.
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August 28, 2011 by starrdreamer71
If this was my biological kid I wouldn't keep him. There is no way I would put up with that kind of behavior in any one. I would either commit him to a hospital until he was 18 or call CPS and have them take him.
September 8, 2011 by from Tewksbury
I totally agree that this child has too many issues to be let out in the public. It's not his fault and certainly NOT his adoptive parent's fault! He was born this way and the first years of his life, obviously were not good, either. When the state holds back critical information regarding a child's background/roots, etc.., it shouldn't be for innocent people that are willing to care, love and raise a child to clean up a mess that is not going to go away even after the child has only been away for a year. The whole thing is tragic for everyone involved. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I don't know if there is any hope for this child, period. I just feel strongly that the adoptive parents shouldn't be blamed for wanting to return him. They were hoping for a healthy seven year old. Sure you're going to hit some bumps in the road when raising any child, but this is too much for anyone to endure that was not prepared. Killing innocent animals and trying to kill your parents - is sick! He has no conscience and will never have one as far as I can see.
September 15, 2011 by Roxanne Webb
I agree that this child is dangerous and I would be afraid of what he would do to me or to other children. He already beat a child with a board This child needs serious help. these people cannot give him what he needs.
August 29, 2011 by SP
As the parent of two adoptive children with behavior disorders, I applaud their bravery for stepping up and doing what's best for everyone concerned. My adopted children are now troubled adults and the reality is that I made little difference in their lives.
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September 1, 2011 by jennygirl
that was a brave and honest statement. thank you for contributing it.
September 9, 2011 by Scott
Ultimately the child makes decisions on their own. Today we are beginning to understand RAD and other attachment disorders .... we are only beginning to understand how to work through most of it.
When you adopted your children you probably did the best that you could. But there are deep issues that almost none of the experts even knew what to do with that they may have struggled with. It is neither yours or your kids fault. But .... you tried. I can't help but wonder how much worse it might have been if you hadn't tried.
I'm the father of 4 adopted children, one with RAD. It is hard. But even with biological children, the parents can only do their best and hope and pray for their children. God's grace.
September 10, 2011 by Tammie
I took in a 12 year old that my daughter brought home and we raised her as out 4th child. We paid for everything, even college, and cared for her as our own, even though we never adopted her. She will never be "like" our other 3 and she will always have deep abandoment issues. In spite of this she has a masters fro Harvard and is a productive person. I don't think this would have been her life had we not stepped in. So when you do something positive for a child you do ake a difference, even if they don't end up as healed as you would like. My daughter is now 30 and she tries to be a good daughter. It dosent come easy for her but she tries.
September 10, 2011 by adoptive mom
I too, adopted a sibling pair as older children ( 10 and 12 at the time). It has been 10 yrs and one child is doing well, the other has many, many issues. I love her with all my heart and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. But I would never give her back, both of my kids are as much mine as if I had given birth.
September 12, 2011 by SophieCat
That is a brave statement for you to make, but an honest one. It must be so hard to realize that you tried your very best but couldn't make a difference. My heart goes out to you.
But you know what? Your statement is true of thoese with biological children who have problems, too.
Sometimes parents of biological children have to come to this very sad conclusion also. They did their best. They tried everything - love, discipline, professional help, medication, therapy, hospitalization, more therapy, more professional help, more medication, and more love than you could ever know. And STILL that child does not respond and has mental problems and all kinds of "issues". And when that child becomes an adult - the problems are even worse. NOW the child can operate a car, live on his/her own, and interact with society in a more powerful, more adult capacity. It's frightening.
Sometimes love is NOT enough to overcome these problems.
Sometimes the mental illness is physiological in nature; it's not "all in their head", it's truly a problem of brain damage or an organic chemical disorder. Sometimes these children are truly psychopathic and nothing will help them, but we must protect the members of society against these children, because they will not always be children. They will be adults someday, and their problems will only get worse.
October 4, 2011 by Wonderful Wanda
I agree. It takes courage and being honest with one self to admitt something like that.
October 8, 2011 by Trish
We adopted a boy two years ago at the age of 13. He was well behaved but not perfect during the 6 month waiting period. The past 2 years have been horrible with a barrage of behavior that is tearing our house apart. It is the worst decision my husband and I have ever made. We want him out of the house!
October 20, 2011 by Lolli
I agree. This is a very brave and honest statement. They cant let this child terrorize them for the rest of their lives. Its a very justified reason to turn him over to the state. In this horrible situation, I would even risk going to jail myself to cut ties with this child.
November 7, 2011 by Diane
I find myself in the same postition as you. My adopted children are now adults and some have "changed" their childhood. During their younger years we had some issues that I considered sort of normal teen issues. Now that they are in their 20's, several of them have "memories" of a terrible childhood. It is hurtful to me and the other adult kids who don't have those same "memories". If I address what is said, I am protesting so much that I must be guilty of something. If I don't protest or disagree, I must be gulity of something. Who knew that it would come to this.
December 9, 2011 by GS Mom
As the adoptive parent of a soon to be 18 year old, i can tell you that i too have felt that I'm not really making a difference in her life. But, every now and then, there is a glimmer that she is beginning to "grow in to herself" and if I can hang in there a little longer, I will have done something helpful. ADHD, depression, maybe bi-polar--the list goes on and on. But I can also honestly say that knowing what I know today when we got her at 3---I'd make the same decision. Sometimes I feel we can only pray and do our best. For her sake, I hope it's good enough.
October 10, 2011 by Euallia
Sure EVERY parent wants to "give back" a child at one point or another. Here in FL, there is a 3 year period where the biological parent can get the child back after the court adoption. The parent does have a period of time to be sure. They should have spoken up during that period. OR, like ANY OTHER parent, the stick with the child through thick and thin. There must be some options they haven't found yet, instead of "returning" the child like an "itchy sweater". A sweater he is NOT. THAT's the trouble, the society now considers a child a "throw away" - look at the abortion stats! I say, SHAME ON THE PARENTS! I, myself adopted TWO special needs children who are now adults. I still deal with some of their problems...like any birth parent! Love should be unconditional when there is an adoption. It's not like adopting a dog or cat! I CAN speak from experience.
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October 18, 2011 by KLAATU1955
If the State lies, omits or keeps important information from adoptive, let them, the State take the child. I dont trust state adoption programs as far as I can throw them and would never use one.
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October 21, 2011 by heather
My husband and I are actually in the process of fostering to adopt. Were working with an agency who handles children with behavior issues.. they don't allow a family to just adopt u have to foster for xamount of time and as long as the process shows its a good fit then the adoption can proceed.. I think this is how it needs to be.
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November 5, 2011 by anne
When you hide the medical and psychological issued from adoptive parents this is what happens , see below ( you should absolutely be able to return a child to the state). The videotape shows then-14-year-old Michael Hernandez telling a Metro-Dade detective how he slit the throat of a classmate in a bathroom at Southwood Middle School four years ago. His voice is flat and emotionless and he shows no sign of nerves. His answers are methodical and clinical as he describes how he lured Jaime Gough into a bathroom stall.
'I told him, `I have to put my hand over your mouth,' '' Hernandez told Detective Salvatore Garafalo just hours after Jaime's death. ``And I did. And I lifted his neck up. . . . I slit his throat.''
" this was an adopted child that the adoption agency hid the mental health issues of both the child and biological mother. Now an innocent child is dead.
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December 30, 2011 by nicole
A "break in period" ? Are you kidding me! This is a family that after 5 YEARS wants to return a kid because he's too difficult. what kind of parents are these, and how do they pass the homestudy???? If every parent was able to "return" their child because of behavioral problems, would there be any parents at all? You CHOSE this child, you made a forever committment to do right by this child.....these are cowardly actions and you are a disgrace to all adoptive parents in this world!
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January 27, 2010 by Lisa Pruneda
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January 31, 2010 by Jeff Lines
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January 31, 2010 by Jeff Lines
April 21, 2010 by lawana
I am a mother of three smart troubled children. You see I gave birth to them but I still had no say in the horrible things that were done to them. their birth father was a very abusive man. I called the cops tried to stop his visitation. They told me that all that I saw and said would be not admissible in court as I am his ex-wife. I could not stop it so i tried to just not allow him his visitation and got tried on contempt of court and was forced to allow visitation. to allow them to continue to be hurt. My son has tried to push me down the stairs, tried to stab me with a kitchen knife and many other things. I have them all seeing a perfessional and it seems to be working. My point is you can not give up on a child and you really never have any say in what your children will be exposed to. I pray everyday that i caught this in time and that I moved them far enough away. I am so sorry for these parents but it is the same being a parent as getting married in that it is for better for worse in sickness and in health untill death do you part. it is not as long as everthing goes good. so to those that say there should be a return policy should I have one as well and what dose that say about this nations value of life.
July 20, 2010 by Amy
So, if your teenage bio-child turns out to be bi-polar or schizophrenic and has ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) or Conduct Disorder, it's the parents' fault? You obviously have no understanding of these issues..they can happen to anyone, whether "bio" or adopted. Children are not commodities -- when adopting an older child from the foster system, you have at least six months to take them for a "trial run", as one poster so flippantly put it, to see if you are all a good match for one another. That's when you should be taking your child for physical/emotional/psychological evaluations with professionals of your choice; it's a fact that many, if not most, children who are adopted from the foster-care system can and often do have special issues/needs and you should be aware of that prior to adopting.There is no return policy, nor should one exist -- either be prepared for the fact that significant issues may become visible later, or don't do it.
January 10, 2011 by donna parker
My daughter who is now 21, has all the above mention problems. Through lots of prayers and crying and Doctors, she has really grown into a well rounded adult. (still on regular meds) I have also taken children into my home that were not shown the love that they shuld have goten. I think it is well on if you can handle the problems or not. Love and alot of patiets work. But you have to have the heart. adobtive parents need to know what they are up agianst I agree fully wit that statement ---then they make up thier mind. I think they should have the right to read the childs case history before adoubtion. That way they know what they are up agianst.
March 9, 2011 by chickitieZ
You're right but I believe that there is a way for this child to get help...the only one who can really help this child and change his behavior is the Lord. It seems like people don't like to involve God in their problems because of their lack of faith or lack of belief in Him but nothing is impossible with God. This child is demon possessed and because he has demons in him authorities may not be skilled enough to help him mentally. This child needs parents who are prayer worriers and have a very strong relationship with God and won't take crap from evil. I do understand the parents situation and desperate need to return the kid but the state adoption agencies also need to step it up a notch in making sure these kids are adopted to the right people and stop hiding the real facts about these troubled kids from person who wants to adopt them to avoid situations like this.
May 12, 2011 by Cissy
Very well said. Anyone who has never experienced a situation should not judge. Let them spend just one day with an out of control child and try to reason with them. RAD, ODD, PTSD ,EBD, BIPOLAR, MAJOR DEPRESSION all combined, and add puberty to all that..
August 8, 2011 by Melissa P.
Amen. Enough said.
August 8, 2011 by Linda
I have one problem with what you have said here. It is not my fault if my teenager grows up with problems or is messed up. I have a teenager who has some serious issues, we are dealing with them. I didn't raise him any differently than my other children and love him just as much as the others. But at any rate he has some serious issues which require counseling and treatment. Is this my fault? According to you yes. That is pretty harsh. I am responsible to do everything I can to help him become a good adult. At some point teenagers make their own choices good or bad. Some of them will be bad choices and it is my responsibility as a parent to try to help him back on the right road, give him the tools he needs to make good decisions. Does this mean he will make them? No. I can only pray he does.
August 25, 2011 by Mellissa
dont agree lock him up come on hes a child is that your way of dealing with your problems? just throw them in the closet ? i think that he has suffered something and it very well could have been the adopted parents that just want to turn him over like you do when you dont want your dog anymore stupid stupid stupid.....................i say take him away from his adopted parents and find a great home with strong parenting skills that serve god and pray for him 24/7 and pray that he can recover from all that he has been through.and no your not doing anyone a favor that fact is most people foster so they can make a monthy check the child is a gift from god your not doing anyone a favor by taking a baby in that child or baby is doing you a favor by being a huge joy and part of your heart and if you dont feel that way then dont have kids at all i never look at my child and say oh i did you a favor buy raising you i look at her as a gift from god im blessed each day that i wake up and see her smile im glad that she hold the KEY TOO MY HEART NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND,,,,
October 14, 2011 by Matt
I was a product of the foster care system...My first child ended up in the cycle too. Then I met my wife...She said no way in hell is this going to continue...She has taken my daughter in with so much pride...We have a son together now as well. Neither child knows the difference...With loving and caring people, the cycles can be stopped...NO it isn't easy by no means! But God bless all of those out there that take that step in being foster care parents!
March 29, 2010 by Andrea Tuite
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September 15, 2010 by mk
this is what happened with us he was really pretty well behaved until adoption was final. how could we have known he had so many problems.
August 11, 2011 by Kristey
My husband and I have six children. We adopted two of them. We love each and every one of them the same. Have you adopted a child? If not you should not be commenting about whether the love a parent feels for their adopted vs. bio children is the same. These two children we adopted fit in our family so perfectly that people don't realize they were adopted. I have heard of adoptive families who have taken vacation with just their bio children and leave the adopted children with friends. How are they ever going to feel that they are a part of the family if they are constantly treated that way? Yes, I know there are many children that come into adoption that have anger, attachment and bonding issues. I agree there needs to be more support out there for the families that do take that step towards adoption. There should be more training for the parents and support for when things are not going well but we should not be returning our kids as if they are shirt we decided we didn't like! I think the people at fault are those that are placing these children with inexperienced people. I know a family that took in troubled children. They didn't return kids when things got rough they reached out for help and it is up to the state to make sure there are resources for adoptive parents and children. The foster care system in our country is what is failing these children. They get moved from home to home and that just contributes to any of the issues they already have. I also have experience working as a foster parent support person in a local office of the Dept. for Children and Families. As a society we need to support the people that step up to the plate and take care of these children. My husband and I have had other foster children come through our home. Some of these children we had to overlook some of their problems to see the child beneath. We also knew what we could handle and what was beyond us. So should people that adopt from another country be allowed to return children? If you adopt from a different country you don't have the luxury of spending months with a child before you agree to adopt. My heart goes out to this child and the parents. There is no easy solution but I don't think it should be easy to return an adopted child.
August 25, 2011 by Nancy
Just had to comment. I have two adopted girls and I have three biologic children. My two adopted girls both were born to a bio mom on drugs and both have some issues. The older has learning problems and low self esteem, the younger has crying fits - at least once a week. HOWEVER, these two beautiful girls are absolutely loved by me. I love them as my own - there is no difference in how I feel about them than I feel about my older kids. You CAN love an adopted child as you love your bio children. We struggle and we work through their issues. Kids NEED to know they are loved all the time. Prospective adopted parents need to keep their head on straight - learn as much as you can about these kids (take off the rosy glasses - not all are adorable). They are HARD work. And keep the prayers going! Don't adopt until you know everything about the child and there is a bond.
July 21, 2010 by Leonor Jara
I think is our resposability to help all children in this situtation our world needs all people involve in help to this kind of child becouse they will be the future. and we want good people living in all the world positive, healty, helping eachothers, tell them about God. who is going to do this,...
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August 18, 2011 by Lisa Bleeker
As a mother of three older children adopted from Russia at ages 5 1/2 - 14, I have the right to respond and say something to the effect, it is "our responsibility" to look after these children and do something for them. I also have the right to support these parents and say, "They have the right to disrupt an adoption that is destroying their lives". If we don't give these parents this option, after exhausting all resources, and their children are still causing this type of damage to the family and home, then the next thing we'll hear is that the parents are on trial for child abuse. However, if you have never experienced older child adoption, dealing with post institutionalized behaviors, reactive attachment disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, bed wedding, and all that comes with these issues...you have no right to comment with judgement. I have dealt with these disorders and it is very disruptive to the family dynamics.Not all parents are equipped to deal with these unexpected disorders that pretty much turn your whole world upside down The parenting tactics used to tame such a child that needs to be broken in like a wild mustang is considered "child abuse" in some states. For example: Making a child eat a teaspoon of hot sauce when they lie or rinsing them off in a cold shower (not a comfortable warm shower) every time they purposely wet the bed. Yes, they do this intentionally. Some also poop their pants and rub it on the walls Many of these children are acting on animal like instincts that don't respond to "normal" love and nurturing. It's almost like you have to tame them or train them, before they can respond to normal forms of love and discipline.I have heard of dog trainers who rub the dogs nose in their poop and say "No" very firmly when they poop on the carpet. I think that is disgusting, but it would be inhumane to do this to a ten year old child. But this is the type of thing adoptive parents of children with these extreme disorders may break down and try when they have tried all other forms of "appropriate parenting and discipline". Next thing you know, these parents are on trial for child abuse. Would you rather the parent have the option to disrupt their adoption? Many of these children display behaviors like this just months after their adoption, when they did not display these behaviors in institutionalized care. A child with attachment disorder will be charming and engaging to anyone they do not have to connect with on an emotional level. When they start to feel loved and cared for is when they go at great lengths to push that love or dependence away. Try reading the book, When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas.Counselors and therapists usually only make the matters worse. Ask any older child adoptive parent and they will say counseling caused even more issues. It's like taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. You think you're getting somewhere and it all backfires on you.Your therapist befriends your charming and engaging child and then the child uses this to his/her advantage.My family faced many of the issues mentioned in this article with one of our adopted children. I know other families who have faced worse.We are doing fine now. But it took unique punishments and "controlling" parenting tactics to get through it. Things are great now. My children have overcome most their issues but people still doubt decisions we have made in the past to get where we are today. Right now my two children adopted at 5 1/2 are both 14. We made the decision to home school Junior High through High School because they are now great kids, but very fragile with the influences of peers and mass media. We want to raise them to be responsible and accountable for their actions and to be polite and productive members of society. The added stresses of peer pressure would ruin the progress we have made with them over the course of the many years it took them to adapt to wholesome family life.I know from helping other families deal with some pretty extreme behavioral issues, that their outcome has not been as positive as ours. We are very fortunate that our family is well intact and that we are all bonded.
July 31, 2010 by Scott Mather
Until someone lives with one of these kids and have been put through these threats and actions for years and have exausted all avenues the state and local agencies have to offer, can't really say much on the subject. Our family was not fully aware of what we were getting into, but we wanted to help kids in need of love and a stable home. The "State Worker" said the those were the two things that he would need the most. It has been three and a half years of hell with him and has put a large cloud of dispair over our home and family. We are left with two options, 1) dissoulution of adoption or 2) find another home for him until he is 18. We just want him out of the house and safe and we a sorry that he has to lose another family, but this one is spinning out of control while he extorts his brand of control. There needs to be a way out for the families that have gone through all other means to help these kids and are in danger of something really bad happening. The court says that they have to wait until the crime happens until they can act. Then of course it is to late. Thanks for letting me rant a bit.
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September 12, 2010 by Scared Adoptive Parent
Have you been in this situation? I adopted a10 year old with emotional mood disorders. He has been hospitalized 6 times in a year. He is now threatening to kill me. I don't know what to do now? The state is not much help. They say he needs to commit the crime before anything can be done. How does the story end? What are the options?
August 23, 2011 by Sonnet
Your comment is thoughtful... thank you. We took in a foster son; a young man that I knew with reactive attachment disorder. He made it very clear: he did not want to be with us. Everything you describe is true... we were not able to home school (foster care), and he made terrible decisions, and long story short, we asked that he leave. It was the best for him and us... it was such a sad situation for all of us. I am so happy for your family that you were able to find balance.
I feel for the parents who have asked to "return" their adopted child who does not want to be with them. HE should be given a choice, because he's more than likely feeling as if he's never had one. Maybe if he chose to be with them, he would be feel empowered to make better choices.
September 2, 2011 by Lauren
I feel for you I really do. But I have 5v children not all biologically mine with the same type of issues. And all these kids know is people givin.g up on them. I think its pathetic. And just further feeding the issues to "return" thi child. If you give him up again don't be surprised if in 10 years you see him on tv for commiting a horrible crime.
October 29, 2011 by talia jones
A parent said earlier that if it was your child what would you do? She also stated that her children's father was abusive and her son has attacked her with a knife. As a parent we try to protect our children from people that will hurt them, maybe your son saw too much violence.Children learn by example. Maybe your son inherited a gene that has made him violent. Yes they are your children, I feel sorry for you. No parent should have to experience this form of abuse from their husband, significant other, or children. Hang in there and maybe things will get better for you....
August 6, 2011 by Russ
Sorry, but there is quite a difference between a natural born child and an adopted one at first. The natural born child starts out as a tiny baby and the adopted child may be several years old with an already set value system in addition to possible medical problems.
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August 26, 2011 by deca
I am sure that for some people there is a difference between an adoptive child and a biological child. For those people adoption should not be undertaken. As far as the assumption that because an adoptive child may have experienced an environmental impact pre-adoption which could adversly affect the health or future behavior of the child I don't think there is much weight to that argument for the most part. Many people in this world have children that end up with health disorders and behavioral issues which are not apparent at birth. I am the mother of two disabled children and also have an adopted daughter so I speak from my own personal experience. The point is none of us have the option to write the lives of our children in advance. When problems arrise in the lives of our children be it as mild as bedwetting or as serious as those surrounding this child then as their PARENT it is no one's responsibliy other than our own to deal with it in a way that is best for the child and the family alike. To abandon an adoptive child should be viewed no differently than when a parent abandons a biological child. Bottom line to me is some are cut out to be parents and some are not. Life holds no guarantees.
August 11, 2011 by Peter
Me thinks you've never had kids. A child is pretty much set by the age of two (scads of research is behind that comment). That's the hitch when adopting a child older than that. You can't influence the most important years and if there's some major problems, they aren't going to be easily reversed.
Sadly, that child fits the description of a serial killer.
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August 14, 2011 by cathie Brown
There is NOT scads of research that children are "set" by age two- OMG where did you get THAT????? I taught Human Growth and Development at several universities and that is downright WRONG! Environment plays a huge part in upbringing, and kids are certainly exposed to MOST of it AFTER age two for pete's sake! Add genetics too- but before age two does NOT decide the child's behavior for the rest of their life- you can use LOGIC and COMMON SENSE to see that! Go read the New England Journal of Medicine and the other journals before making those broad bogus statements that are untrue.
November 25, 2011 by FalEss
I don't know about scads but I go to a pretty large and well respected University and the woman who said "Most of the experience comes after two" may have taught a lot but she seems to not be reading the journals she's suggesting to you. Actually there is a lot of research that describes the critical periods in children's development, I personally don't remember exactly what the cut off is but our minds do get wired a certain way and there are many MANY things that go into that. There is also the fact that adolescent minds are able to change. They aren't a piece of Play-Doh that you can flatten out and start fresh with but they can be improved. The real question becomes how much improvement is possible and whether that improvement will even be enough. I am not a parent yet, but I have been considering adoption for a long time. Personally I think there is too public understanding of mental disorders and even less support. I'm going to cut that argument short and just say that ANY parents would be struggling with this type of situation and that sadly it's going to come down to hospital walls or jail bars around this child. I have heard of very serious and radical treatments that will sometimes help but there is no real answer. My concern is that if the family can't afford to have the adoption dissolved, they're not going to be able to afford what he really needs. He needs serious help and will probably never be cured. My best wishes to that boy and his family. I hope that whatever happens they can all find some sense of peace, hope, and some answers.
August 13, 2011 by s
It's too bad the child's natural mother or parents can't be held accountable for this poor child's behavior. No child acts in this way without extreme negative external influences being brought to bear - usually by the natural parents.
That said, if the child were born to them and acted in this way, they would still have the right to institutionalize him - for better or worse. The other reader is right - first animals then later humans will be injured (or worse) by this child.
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August 31, 2011 by califmom
The term is biological mother, not natural mother. Otherwise, you are implying that the adoptive mother is "unnatural".
As the mother of an adopted child, I can tell you that you can love them all you want, but they're not necessarily going to respond with love or even positively. Most of these kids have brain damage from early trauma or neglect, so they can't respond positively. You can't "love them out of it". Trust me, we adoptive parents have tried.
These kids actively push you away. Some even try to hurt you, as in the case mentioned here. So loving them for years gets awfully hard. Some of us, like me, are lucky. We get kids who do respond, who do well in spite of their damaged brains. But it's not consistent or predictable. So as mentioned in other posts, really, until you have adopted, shut up. You REALLY don't know what you're talking about. You have to live it to understand the day-to-day tightrope we walk.
August 31, 2011 by Michael Williams
I agree. The State failed the adoptive family by not fully disclosing the psychiatric issues of the child. In fact, I wonder if the Wescotts were ever given a chance to review the child's medical history record throughout the adoption process. Probably not. Perhaps if they had been thoroughly informed they would have sought help long before the situation got out of hand. As far as adoptive parents being allowed to return a child. I have mixed feelings. Maybe there should be a contingency period that's monitored to see if the adoption would be a good fit
August 21, 2011 by Meredith
Reactive Attachment Disorder is not the same as your normal terrible two's or teenage problems. You should not judge something that you know nothing about. I know I live the same nightmare that these parents are living. The problem is not always the parent. Plus it is a heart wrenching decision to have to make. I really do feel for them.
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September 5, 2011 by Tre
There is a big difference between the normal temper tantrums of children and teens and those where a mentally ill child tortures and butchers animals, attacks other children with weapons, and yes, in this case it sounds like he used a skateboard as a weapon, and trying to burn down the house to kill the people in it. The latter type of behavior is criminal and this young man sounds criminally as well as mentally ill. He could well be a pychopath. It sounds like it would be dangerously irresponsible for the state not to revoke the parents' custody and place the child in the care of a facility that could give him the help he needs. Punishing the adoptive parents for not being able to cure the child's mental illness by providing a loving home is not the way to help the child.
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September 5, 2011 by Ana Berlin
Agreed! This child bears a striking resemblance to my own brother who was NOT adopted - and was NOT treated any different than his sisters growing up. He set many fields and buildings on fire. He killed kittens by putting fire crackers in their rectums. He beat up other kids. He grew up to abuse his adoptive children, his dogs, his wives. He regularly ran away from home. He drank and smoked pot, eventually moving on to other drugs. He stole my dads car very often when he was a preteen and got in trouble all the time. He was always saying how badly he was treated by my poor Dad. What was my Dad to do? Then, He joined the army and received a dishonorable discharge. He is a road rage driver and almost killed a friend of mine. He has had two other motorists shoot at him... that was 20 years ago. The problem is that back in those days - he's 56 now, our parents didn't know that he was ill. NOW.. we can all see that this child IS ILL! Do something now before he becomes another Jeffrey Dahmler. The writing is on the wall. The parents would be remiss in today's times to NOT report this.
October 17, 2011 by Zach
do you really think that the law is the only thing holding parents back from abandoning their "terrible twos" toddlers on the street corners? That's like Michelle Bachman saying abortion should be illegal because some women make it as routine as getting a cup of coffee--it's still a horrible decision that will leave emotional scars that will never heal. I don't think anybody would make the decision lightly, and I know that there are many who wish they had the option. If parents have no love to give to a child, then the child is better off in a different home than one without genuine affection.
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October 20, 2011 by Lolli
Thats baloney. You can turn your biological child over to the state when the situation warrants it. I know of one person who actually did after her son tried to kill her TWICE by the time he was 15. So what you are saying is...parents just have to "wait it out" until the child is 18 or they kill them? Which ever comes first. Do you think 18 or 21 or even 35 is the magic number that they just "go away and live their own life"? Fantasy land is the only place where that is a reasonable option. We arent talking about a kid who doesnt take out the trash or sneaks out occasionally and smokes pot. LIVES are at stake here.
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January 27, 2010 by shella lelani
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September 3, 2011 by Ben Over
How's that pray thing working for this kid. What should we pray for a strong wind the next time he strikes a match?
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October 4, 2011 by Wonderful Wanda
@ Ben Over...........lmbo. Such a serious topic, I welcomed the laugh.
January 29, 2010 by Jessica
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February 25, 2010 by Beverly M.
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April 22, 2010 by missB
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope that it helps put this serious dilemma into perspective for people whom think that families with seriously troubled children should be forced to cope with the dangerous situations it places them in. I honestly believe that parents: adoptive, foster, or biological, should have legal rights to transfer seriously troubled children into state run psychiatric treatment centers. At no time should any family be expected to put themselves and/or others at risk of harm, whether it be physical or emotional.
June 27, 2010 by Anita
I too am in the same situation. I adopted a then 8 year girl that I was told had ADHD and PTSD. After 2 years of hell and her being baker acted in florida and in mental hospitals twice now they say she has bipolar and RAD. What people who have bio children don't understand is these kids don't attach. She has thoughts of stabbing me etc. The state has failed me. I had myself admitted to a mental hospital so the state was forced to take her back. Now that I am out I await to see if the state forces me to accept this child into my home again.
August 4, 2011 by Sarah
Thank you for sharing your story. Know that there are other families out there going through something similar to what you're going through (or have gone through it) and we understand. You're not alone. Don't listen to those selfish & hateful people who have never bothered to lift a finger to help anyone else (let alone welcome an abused or neglected child into their home) who think they can judge you for something of which they know nothing.
I hope your family gets the help it needs and soon. No-one deserves to live that way. If you're not the praying type, know that my thoughts are with you. If you, know that you are in my prayers. From one troubled mother to another.
August 26, 2011 by deca
Thanks for suming up by pointing out that horrific situations like this can revolve around those with biological children as well. You are absolutley right that the answer lies in affordable care for children who's parents have exhausted all the other avenues in an attempt to keep their families intack. No one should wish to have to insititutionalize their child but sometimes it is the only alternative and should be an option for those seriously extreme cases and should not be available only after tragedy strikes.
October 10, 2011 by Deb
We went through a very similar experience when we adopted a five year old from Romania. I think people really need to give it some serious thought before adopting a child. Families who have not gone through this kind of experience have absolutely no idea of how a RAD, mentally ill child can damage every other member of the family and destroy a marriage. I wrote to the Oprah Winfrey show twice and asked her to do a show about this topic and, of course, was ignored. People: the very sad truth is that some children are too damaged to ever adjust to a typical family life. They can only destroy the family.
August 10, 2011 by Mark C
"If this child had been born to these parents there would be no 'return policy' on the child."
Oh please -- how naive can you be? Parents give up their natural children all the time. It happened to a 10-year-old boy I was a Big Brother volunteer to. His divorced mom felt she could no longer control him. The police became involved, then Family and Childrens Services and before you know it, he's in a foster home with a supposed plan to reunite him with his mother that never quite works out.
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September 17, 2011 by Mary
Thank you. Birth parents can give up a child on a whim, but then when an adoptive parent has a future serial killer in their midst, they are stuck??? It goes both ways. But we need to do something about the people who are having all these unwanted children. Why are they allowed to produce one drug child after another to burden society with? There is a huge difference in wiping poop on the walls and torturing and killing animals.
December 26, 2011 by Jan
In the State of Florida approximately 40% of adoptions fail. Many children are returned to the State each year. Some people want to adopt very badly and think they can fix the world. Now in the State of Florida the children's behavior and physical issues are disclosed. That said children are moved around in the foster care system that it is hard to keep up with there behaviors and issues. If a child acts out in a foster home the child is moved to another facility. If the behaviors escalate they are placed in specialized homes. There fore if you adopt a child at say four the behaviors if they are going to get worse can and often do. Reactive attachment disorder forms in the first year. If not loved and nutured they struggle to accept that as they get older. Fetal Alcohol syndrome is often obvious and with the history of the birth of the child that should be clear early on. The best advice i can give here is return the child to the State. If they refuse to take him just leave him at the adoption agency you have tried it is time to move on. This child will grow up but with the State they will have the financial responsiblity to continue him in a residential program.
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January 29, 2010 by Rachel
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January 10, 2011 by donna parker
I agree fully with this statement
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March 27, 2011 by Marcy
well bio parents are lied to and told their childs is well mannered and pleasant. When you adopt you are at the mercy of a state official and their reports and observations. So I DO think that if this match doesn' work then the children should go back. Oh but better yet, how about when these kids are beaten the first time!!! Their well being in the first and foremost imoportant think, but the courts believe in parents rights, so they throw these children back to the cage of grief, pain and torture.
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August 5, 2011 by Paula
The results of bio children not helped by state are clear. West roads shooting in Omaha Nebraska. everyone around the boy knew he was deeply disturbed but the state wouldnt keep him because he hadn't done anything yet. So six Christmas shoppers are dead and more wounded. He did kill himself so no more victims.
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September 17, 2011 by Mary
Are YOU on drugs??? Biological parents cannot give up a child???? then there would be no children to adopt. Come one/ Get real here. Where do you think adoptive children come from?? Obviously you think they must fall out of the sky so I will tell you. BIRTH PARENTS ARE DUMPING THEM. Wow. Join the real world here sweetie.
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October 8, 2011 by Been there
Really? If biological parents weren't allowed to give their children to the State then where did this adoptive child come from? Did the stork deliver him to the adoptive parents? Did they find him under a cabbage? Did the Easter bunny leave him in a basket?
Give me a break...adoptive parents should have the same rights to relinquishment as biological parents ALREADY have.
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October 15, 2011 by AMY
Before judging-you might want to find out exactly what fetal alcohol syndrone is. A true fetal alcohol child has been damaged so badly that, unfortunately for everyone, THERE IS NO CURE. This is NOT an emotional issue that can be helped, worked through or in any way improved. This condition is caused by alcohol during development, there is physical damage to the brain, a child is created with no remorse, no boundries and incredible rage-amongst other things-worse than the scariest serial killer. There is no help-and while the child is a helpless victim to what a "mother" did, a full blown FAS child is more dangerous than you can imagine-A biological mother of such a child caused this herself-while an adoptive family is lied to and given a monster to deal with. A lot of these other issues are horiffic enough and most people cannot even imagine what these children, who through no fault of thier own, are actually like. But fetal alcohol is the worst imaginable-and there is no way, no matter how much effort, caring, dedication, devotion etc etc etc is invested, there is no way that any family can help or be safe in this situation- to all those out there who have adopted a child with a lesser degree of this syndrome-please note-This is full blown-over the top fetal alcohol and does not necessarily apply to children who have been damaged (still awful) to a lesser degree
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January 29, 2010 by Melody D
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September 18, 2010 by belli
Melody, I'm not sure if you have had any personal experience with children who have these types of disorders. Some intervention needs to be put in place. We hear about terrible crimes on the news, and we are shocked and appalled. Go back to that childs permanent record in school, I bet you'll find evidence that this was well on it's way. Why do we see what we see, and do nothing.., nothing but pass judgement on the victim's suffering through this. If we do nothing, we only continue to cultivate the mechanism to enable future killers, rapists, and child abusers. Now what?
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October 15, 2011 by AMY
Try looking up fetal alchol syndrome-not exactly just a "troubled" child. know what you are talking about before you judge
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October 21, 2011 by halley
what you fail to comprehend is that to become an adoptive parent you have to go through lots and lots of exams and investigations. to be an adoptive parent you have to fully disclosure all your financial, health, family, etc records to the state for them to judge you fit. why shouldn't an adoptive parent be fully aware of who they are adopting? its a two way street. btw how many adoptive children to you have?
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January 29, 2010 by Mary K Weinhagen
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March 12, 2010 by Larry Bradshaw
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August 5, 2011 by Mike G.
You can call it a "complex" issue all you like, but it's a very simple issue. The adoptive parents are in fear for their lives. Did you miss that part? They need immediate relief so that they don't become statistics. You can go on with your PC rant, but that only shows that you are out of touch with the reality of the situation the parents are in. This child will bring his aura of instability and control into whatever environment he enters. These parents are ill-equipped to become award-winning psychiatrists overnight. The state was underhanded and unfair to them by misrepresenting the child. Is this one more branch of public service to be found corrupt and to still be allowed to "serve"? More government accountability is needed and it won't be gained by passing off responsibility to those who are unknowingly sold a "bill of goods".
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January 29, 2010 by Haniel Perigueux
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February 11, 2010 by bonnie wilson
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July 2, 2010 by Bartleby the Scrivener
I am the adoptive parent of three special needs children. When you are adopting, you need to be given the full story and it is wrong - I would say criminally so - for the state to deceive you so that you will in ignorance adopt a child with special needs.
My daughters are the light of my life, and I love them just how they are. I have my own special needs; who I am to begrudge them their own?
...but I knowingly made the choice to adopt children with these needs. I was given the choice and the understanding before I did so.
Adoption is not like birthing a child in that when you birth a child, you have the chance to imprint upon the child from day one. If you are adopting, you do not, and a person who is unprepared for a difficult adoptive experience can end up hurting their family, themselves, and the child by having such a deceptive adoption take place.
For those who are challenging the idea of returning the child, I suggest that you go to foster parenting classes and see the photos of the children who are radically abused by people. Do you think the incidence of abuse doesn't go up incredibly high when people are given special needs children when they were not advised of it ahead of time? If so, you're wrong.
I had to see those pictures of abuse. I had to hear the stories. I had to read the case studies. I know what it is like. It hurts my heart to this day.
If the adoption agency or the state knowingly does something that will result in more abuse occurring, then I think the people involved should enjoy some time behind bars for doing it.
...because it is horrendous.
-Bartleby the Scrivener
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July 2, 2010 by Bartleby the Scrivener
I am a right to life advocate and an adoptive parent of special needs children. I say that due to the deception involved in this case and in an effort to prevent harm to this person and their other children, they should be allowed to return the child.
-Bartleby
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August 9, 2011 by Bekah
To Haniel Perigueux and others who, often with good reason, question the focus of right-to-lifers -
In our pro-life church of 130 members, there are 8 adopted children in 5 different families. All came from troubled/chemically dependent/abusive/abandoned backgrounds. Seven of them are of other races than their adopted parents, with three of them being bi-racial. Two of them are from minorities that are harassed routinely in their countries of origin. These eight children are loved not only by their adopted families but by our entire church. They are treated with dignity, the same as all of our children. They are taught about their cultures of origin, and their differences celebrated while their full inclusion in their adoptive families' cultures is also affirmed.
We have several church members who work in Child Protective Services as well as in crisis pregnancy centers, not only to prevent the abortion of unwanted children, but to help provide healing and care for the mothers who have turned to abortion or are thinking about turning to it. We have several families who have opened their homes, repeatedly, for months of housing and caring for teens in dangerous situations, teen parents, and the mentally/emotionally challenged adults who have difficulty functioning in an adult world. We have several members from the local community who have severe mental issues but manage to find some measure of peace, support, and comfort in our congregation. I have personally taken several of them to the grocery store, to government agencies where even someone with a high IQ would have difficulty running the gamut of necessary forms to receive basic assistance, or given them rides to social functions where they are welcomed with open arms.
We support, as a regular percentage out of our church income, several ministries and agencies that promote social health and relief and education for families with cyclical dysfunction. We have children born to our congregation with congenital defects that should have killed the child but didn't, and so our whole-bodied children have close friends in the rare and wonderful children who are confined to wheelchairs, are missing parts of their skull and face, and have other "defects" that in no way diminish their beautiful humanity.
We also rigorously screen all of our volunteers to make sure that nobody with a history of even suspected sexual abuse or violence is ever involved with our child and youth ministry, while we will help those with such "pasts" find another area of ministry where we are glad to have them serve. We make it a priority to protect the innocent, and also help the guilty find new worth and confidence.
I would be glad for you to visit and see what it is like when Christians are really, truly, wholly pro-life and pro-living. It is not always the easiest road, but we are the ones who benefit from loving these children and adults. I know that if I were in a disabling accident, or developed early-onset Alzheimer's, or made terrible choices that led to my own self-destruction, that my church would not let me sink on my own but would care for me, no matter what. And my church is not the only collection of right-to-lifers who are robustly loving and thorough in the practice of their beliefs. I can only hope and pray that, regardless of the public face of the pro-life movement, good is being done where it is needed most - in the lives of those who have nobody to stand with them.
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September 17, 2011 by Mary
130 members, all "right to life", yet ONLY 5 families have adopted????? I think the point is made here.
October 10, 2011 by Viv
Woa! Are you ever filled with hate. When you scream such broad brushed vitriol, you sound irrational. You cannot put every pro-life individual in a box, like you just tried to do. Many pro-life people, including myself, have adopted children and have spent many years of love and money trying to help them through their troubles.
January 30, 2010 by Barb Miller
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October 15, 2011 by AMY
Try looking up fetal alchol syndrome-not exactly just a "troubled" child. know what you are talking about before you judge
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January 30, 2010 by molly
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March 10, 2010 by Mr and Mrs Cassida
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September 17, 2011 by Mary
How can someone dump their kids and then have any say in their lives. Sad.
November 1, 2011 by JuniperGrove
I am sorry for your troubles with the adopted son. Please focus on keeping your daughter safe. Check on her in the night from time to time. Let your son know you check on them during the night at different times. Bless you.
January 30, 2010 by n barnes
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August 5, 2011 by Mike G.
Of course this mayhem isn't taking place in YOUR house, is it?
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August 31, 2011 by Jennifer
The adoption industry is a severely flawed entity. I am an adopted child myself (42 years old) and also adopted a 5 month old from S. Korea.
The average person would be very surprised at how the adoption process works. The adoption agencies are interested in one thing; money. I'm not saying the people who work there are all evil money hoarders. I'm saying that the industry is making millions and millions of dollars off of children. Of course, there are some very good reasons for adopting and for having to relinquish a child. However, the adoption industry is already in a precarious position because it is making thousands of dollars from each adoption. How on earth can the agencies or the people working there be unbiased?
Before people start freaking out and asking who would perform the legal services in an adoption, the legal fees are just a portion of the fees adopted families have to pay. Our adoption was over $30,000.00 dollars (U.S.) and that didn't include travel or the counseling services we all needed as a family.
My husband and I spent several hours ticking off illnesses and psychiatric conditions that we wanted to avoid in adoption. Many have said, "if you have your own baby, you don't get to pick and choose what you'll take." That is comparing apples to oranges and is a ridiculous and uneducated response. Of course you don't get to pick if your biological child will have illnesses or not. However, when you are adopting a child who is not a new born, it is very hard to have to think about your family lifestyle and your other children when taking disabilities into consideration. We picked and chose carefully. We wished we were better equipped to accept a disabled child but we were not.
Unfortunately, our adoption agency tried to "slip" us a child that had chronic and acute Hepatitis B. Our social worker was inept at reading reports and was very uneducated. There was a stamp on the back of our child's pediatric report that very clearly stated the child was sick.
By the grace of God, I took the reports to my pediatrician to have him look them over. At the end of the appointment, the pediatrician got very quiet. He asked me if I was aware the child was severely ill. I told him I was not. He asked how on earth our adoption agency didn't address this as it was right in the report, in English. My husband and I contacted specialists at Michigan State University and doctors in blood borne pathology before we came to the heart wrenching conclusion that we could not adopt the little boy that we had been planning for and staring at (through photos) for months.
When we told our agency about the problems that were found, they put us on a conference call and all of the participants asked us why we assumed it was all bad news? We explained to them that our pediatrician as well as other researchers at the university level told us that the child was gravely ill. Instead of understanding, our "religious" adoption agency told us we were being unfair by not adopting the child. They tried to talk us into taking the child anyway and told us that other Hep B children were adopted without issue. We explained that the Hep B wasn't just acute but chronic. The child's liver was already damaged. This information didn't matter. We were being cold and callous for not adopting the child.
I believe in my heart that my agency knew this condition from the start. They didn't care what we were equipped to deal with and made us feel as if we were shopping for the "perfect child." I am convinced that many of these agencies know exactly what is wrong with these children but many of them over look the reports or "pray it away" and hope the parents turn their lives around to care for these children. Many families can and do and it is a gift to be able to do that. Some parents can't do this and the decision should be respected.
Unfortunately, I'm sure this boy in the story showed clear signs of something not being right. But, in the "polly-anna" hope of giving all children a loving home, these parents were given an anti-social child who was severely not right.
Can you imagine having to make the decision to relinquish a child? Who would do this at a whim? The answer is nobody. This child sounds as if he is a danger to the family, to himself and to society. Unfortunately, a psychiatric ward is probably the best place for the child through no fault of his own. A sad and depressing state of affairs. However, one that is not very infrequent.
October 15, 2011 by AMY
Try looking up fetal alchol syndrome-not exactly just a "troubled" child. know what you are talking about before you judge
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January 31, 2010 by Jeff Burwell
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July 14, 2010 by Carol
How do you love a child that DOES NOT want to be loved?
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August 11, 2011 by Paul
How do you love someone that doesn't want to be loved?
Consult the expert on love - God. For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son!
Unconditional love, without expecting love back. That's how the recipient knows you really love him.
Love this kid, unconditionally and don't "go off to work" while you send him "off to school". And stop sending him "off to doctors" to see "what's wrong".
You already know what's wrong. He's been unloved. He's been in state care (that's hell on earth right there) and bounced between foster parents. Now that you've adopted him just LOVE HIM. And don't expect him to love you in return. Expect him to act like he's been trained - to try to do anything to get you out of his way so he won't be hurt anymore.
August 20, 2011 by OnMy Soapbox
Give him back - hurry!
August 2, 2011 by Elaine
You cannot imagine what it's like to have a child who cannot give love or accept love. You must live that fear in order to understand. This is beyond parenting; this chid has a damaged brain and must be given over to an institution who can provide the 24/7 help he needs. This is a tragedy for everyone.
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August 6, 2011 by E San Martin
If Barnes and some of these other people feel so strongly about it, why don't they offer to adopt the child? So easy to judge somebody and arise at conclusions with so few facts. Serial killers usually start by killing and torturing animals. The danger to this couple is real and may not be over if they returned the child to the state.
August 24, 2011 by tnrthoma
Yes, we did notice/ observe that our kids absolutely LOVED Psych wards & 100% instituitionalization. ( sp) It is more than a schedule/ daily routine but if you even drive them to school "the wrong way"- my kids lost it.
October 22, 2011 by Mary
Amen Honey!What if this were their child born from them!pathetic!I have a son with special needs,ADD,ADhd,the doctors gave him 50 /50 chance of life ,said he would never function as a normal child, and he would have to breathe off oxygen and a host of other issues!he is a little hyper active and his attention is off,but were working towards a solution, I would never want to give him away!He is my son!
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October 29, 2011 by talia jones
Hi, this is your biological child you have no choice. If you know your background, problems like these are a result of DNA. When you adopt a child, you are not trying to lose your life, because he wants to kill you. You are trying to love a child and provide a safe environment. You can't provide this if it doesn't exist in the child.
November 6, 2011 by Susan
Get RID of that nut case before he kills YOU!
December 11, 2011 by sara
Obviously if he were their naturally born child and he had the problems innumerated in this case he would qualify for government help and perhaps even being taken over by the state. Most parents do not have the resources to deal with the problems listed above and need government help. This child is severely disturbed and needs help before he causes real damage to society. There is no stigma to asking for assistance when you can't deal with a situation. These parents tried for 11 years, far beyond the call of duty. They are protecting society.
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