The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

Nanny 911: Reporting Bad Nannies

108 Comments

April 8, 2008 by Kathy McManus

On a hot afternoon in New York City, my friend Miriam was sitting at a grassy public venue, watching her child play alongside other kids in the care of various moms and nannies.

A long-time New York resident, Miriam is fully aware of the city’s urban imperative: mind your own business.

But she couldn’t help but notice the crying of a nearby baby, approximately nine months old, strapped in his stroller facing the sun, while his nanny ignored him and chatted with another nanny.

The minutes passed…5…10…15…the baby’s skin got redder, the crying persisted, and the nanny’s only response was to periodically bark, “Shh! Be quiet!” while brusquely shaking the baby’s stroller.

And that is when Miriam decided she had to do something: she had to stop minding her own business.

In New York, where the number of scary nanny stories surpasses the number of scary subway stories, an increasing number of citizens are posting reports about bad nanny behavior on a blog called I Saw Your Nanny.

The posts—complete with date, time, location, physical descriptions of nanny and child, and sometimes a cell phone photo—will stop the heart of any parent who recognizes his or her nanny or child: I saw your nanny…_grabbing your boy by the ear and twisting him…mistreating and roughly handling your 3-5 year old girl…fell asleep right on the bench where she was sitting with her back to your son_.

Launched in August 2006, the blog has sparked a debate about the obligations—and limits—of personal responsibility. Critics contend that it's potentially libelous for strangers to publicly attack a nanny's professional performance.

But that didn’t stop Miriam from confronting the nanny about the neglected baby. “She told me to mind my own business. Then she started yanking the baby in the stroller. That’s when I told her I was calling 911.”

Aware that NYPD was on its way, the nanny bolted to leave the location, still yelling, “Mind your own business!” Miriam ran ahead of the woman and snapped her picture with her cell phone. But by the time the police arrived, the nanny was gone.

Tell us what you think: When is it right to stop minding your own business and start minding someone else’s? How far would you go in reporting disturbing behavior by a nanny or anyone else?

108 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• April 8, 2008 by Ann

  Upon seeing the child in distress Miriam should have walked over in 2 minutes, not 15, and started a conversation with the nanny in a non threatening manner. You said she "confronted" the nanny. Confrontation brings on a defense reaction. A suggested opening: "Hi, may I talk to him? I remember when my baby was this age and got fussy in the sun. The sun doesn't bother me so I didn't figure it out. It's so hard to take care of all their needs isn't it - someone helped me out by telling me that 5 minutes in the shade will stop the crying. I don't want you to have to go through what I did so I'm passing this info on. Hey, look he's quiet now - you must be a really good nanny."

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  • April 9, 2008 by Joyce B.

    Thanks for your comment; Maybe the nanny was a little less knowledgeable and needed help understanding that babies are people too. I know that with my first son, (now I have 3 boys) I had to cultivate the ability to think about the Golden Rule and wonder what it's like to be him so I could be a better mom. It takes time and experience to be unselfish enough to nurture another human being whether you're a mommy like me, who works on weekends while daddy is home with the kids, or a caregiver.

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  • April 18, 2008 by S. Wade

    I was going to say exactly the same thing. When we confront someone; we challenge the person’s intellect. However, if she had simply walked over and started a quick conversation while getting the baby out of the sun, which was the main goal, she would've gotten a lot further with her. Remember the old saying: "you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar"? All she had to do was be polite and considerate of the other woman while accomplishing her main goal. The objective would be the same but the outcome would be different. Thank God for southern hospitality!

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  • October 1, 2009 by Cutie

    Well I really liked the comment you posted, but maybe Miriam was just waiting to see if the nanny would actually tend to the infant you wouldnt want to just stumble over and rudly interrupt!

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    • October 17, 2010 by KIARA

      NO JUST KEEP TRYING

  • April 27, 2010 by victor meza

    Hi i am victor so how can you prevent the happing of child abuse

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  • July 2, 2010 by Michael

    I do agree with the first part with respect not waiting so long to intercede. However, I disagree with the idea of giving advice to a Nanny and expecting that to work. The woman is a "Nanny" this would imply she is knowledgeable, trained and would be considered an expert in child care. We are dealing with the safety of a child completely at the mercy of the care giver. I would have taken pictures, video taped then approach the woman with the intention of finding out who the parents are and how to get in contact with them. Or better yet called the police without her knowledge explained the situation and had them gather the necessary information. If the Nanny has any self respect she would be humiliated and scared into never neglecting the child again.

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    • October 19, 2010 by Mary Hall-Ries

      I agree that she should have snapped pictures and called the police before approaching the nanny. I have seen so much incompetence and carelessness by nannies. It's very frightening. Once a child is injured or killed, you can't help anymore. It's too late, then everybody is sorry. Could have, would have, should have isn't good enough when you're talking about the safety of a child. Who cares if the nanny is embarrassed? Her job is to keep that child safe. If she can't manage it, she should not be in the child care field. Period, full stop.

  • September 16, 2010 by Gwyn

    What an awesome reply Ann....spot on!

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• April 8, 2008 by terrance tattrie

  If I were to see a child being mistreated by anyone,including a parent,I would definitely report it to the appropriate authorities.Of course this would not include a little smack on the butt type of thing.In the case of the nanny in the park, I would have followed her and found out who the parents were and notified them about the incident.

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  • April 10, 2008 by jennysuffern

    Terrence, That isn't always possible. I have been there and done that. With my own child. Yes, if you can find the parents on your own, do it. I had a friend leave a note with the doorman for the parents when she was able to follow a nanny home. Me, I had to take my own child to a pediatrician, so after an hour following the nanny, during which time, she also went to a Mandies clothing store and parked the child against a wall, I had to leave and head the opposite direction.

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• April 8, 2008 by Gail Hirst

  it is always right to protect children. it is always right to err on the side of caution. if there's nothing to worry about, no need for defensiveness. Hillary Clinton said it best "it takes a village...". Gail

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• April 8, 2008 by Dani O'Malley

  I probably would have turned the child around myself so the light wasn't in his face. I'm a go-getter myself. But Miriam was definitely in the right. When there is a child's needs on the line... especially one so young. Babies can't tell us what's wrong, they can't change their own positions, they can't defend themselves in any way. It is up to the adults in their lives, and those around these children, to do something for them. RIGHT ON Miriam!!

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• April 8, 2008 by Christi Marie

  Wouldn't you appreciate it if you were helpless and being mistreated and somebody stepped in on your behalf? Prior to Americans getting more involved in each other's lives, women were raped and beaten by their own husbands to an even greater extent than today; children were abused and neglected by their families at alarming rates (when is the last time you saw a kid with rickets at the playground?). There is a thing called social pressure. Peer pressure. External social control. All societies have it. Churches have it. Even the counterculture has it. We decide that we like to see clean, healthy, well-dressed children. Families who cannot live up to these standards are not welcomed into the fold of the majority, who do. If we were to go back to facing forward and ignoring the plight of others, we would not be doing society any kind of service.

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• April 8, 2008 by jennysuffern

  We all have excellent hindsight. The truth has been exposed in shows on Dateline and 20/20 called, "What would you do". The reality is that the majority of people will not and do not intervene. This is not to say that five minutes later, they don't regret their lack of action. For this reason, I think the I Saw Your Nanny blog is a brilliant idea. The other reason is sometimes people don't want to be the messenger. Ever hear the thing, "don't shoot the messenger". I had a nanny in my building who yelled all of the time at the 6 year old. I didn't know enough about the parents to know if they would care, so I sent them a letter regarding their nanny's behavior (Obviously because I lived in the building, I had their address). Two days later, five days later, 3 weeks later, the nanny was still there. There are a lot of parents who employ bad nannies and don't care and don't want to deal with it. I am glad I did not risk the comfort of my living environment to go face to face with one of them.

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• April 8, 2008 by Kina Barnum

  I would have to agree mostly with "Communicate don't confront", as soon as you confront someone, especially in a finger-pointing, tongue lashing type attitude, it doesn't matter to the other person that they are doing something not acceptable, you see most people when confronted this way will automatically shut you off. Meaning they will refuse to listen to reason, they become emotionally charged and you can forget about introducing reason to a person once this has happened. It's a human preservation mode. Second, most women will hate me for this but since this website is called, "The Responsibility Project" I feel I need to bring something up that no one will talk about. Why are "Nannies" raising other "Families" children? Since the mother carried and gave birth to their children, doesn't it make sense that they should take "Responsibility" of their children? Meaning, THEY should be caring for their children not a stranger! I think that it's very selfish of these parents to not work hard like the rest of us have to when it comes to child rearing, and let's not forget this type of "neglect" breaks down the family center, making the glue weak and susceptible to callous behavior. Yes it's hard to rear children, we've been doing it without "nannies" for centuries. Mothers if they are not single of course, need to take the time and stay at home with their children, teach them to be "Responsible" adults. And no, staying at home isn't something to look down on, it takes more patience, and bravery to take on a full time motherly role. Good luck to everyone!

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  • April 9, 2008 by terrance tattrie

    THANK YOU, Kina for saying what I'm thinking.

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    • April 9, 2008 by Kina Barnum

      No problem Terrance, I figure someone's got to say it.

  • April 9, 2008 by Dani O'Malley

    Yes, parents need to be responsible for raising their children -- teaching them values and such. But some mohers work because they are single, and some work because their husbands don't make enough to support the family. And others, like myself, work because they enjoy working and find fulfillment in contributing the community, as well as the family finances. I think I am just as responsible as you are -- I chose a nanny with my same values, and I teach my child and do his homework with him and show him that women don't have to be hidden away in the home. I am the one who tucks him into his bed at night and prepares his meals (the nanny just heats them up), and I take him on trips to the zoo and amusement parks and teach him to ride his bike. Not all women are the same. It's irresponsible to expect all women to find completion in the home -- to have little life outside of their family. For some women, this leads to depression. It's just another form of oppression. Women should do what comes best to them. In our family, I work because that is what keeps me happiest and allows me to take the best care of my children. Plus, I provided a job to a single mother who really loves children and finds fulfillment in drilling ABC's for eight hours a day. lol...

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    • April 9, 2008 by Kina Barnum

      Well Dani if you look back at my post I did make the comment that unless you are single there is no reason why one can't be raising your own children. Second I do contribute to my community, just because my family chose to for me to stay home with my children doesn't mean that me or others like me DON'T contribute to our community's. In fact I work at home, I have my own business so I can help my family and still contribute to my community. Third I don't hole myself up in my home, I believe in excersize to be healthy along with socializing in group settings. I take classes at night and my child and I have daily play dates. Fourth throw out all the stuff you learned about women's oppression. It has done a lot for us in the past when it first started but now it's all about breaking down the family, looking down on women who are SAHM. My children are going to be every bit social, intelligent,creative,wise and will be able to function in this society just like everyone else hopefully better. No one ever thinks about those famous people who were home schooled or had the mother stay home with them, for example Sandra Day O'Connor our female associate justice of our supreme court was taught at home by her mother, later lived with grandmother and attended all girls school and then went onto college. I applaud her mother and grandmother who were brave to do this for her. Abraham Lincoln was taught at home by his mother, he self-taught himself Law and became very good and eventually became our 16th president. So you can say what you want bottom line if a parent can do it then do it, raise your children don't abandon them to someone else. It just makes sense to me.

    • April 10, 2008 by Amy

      If you feel that caring for children is oppressive...then don't have them. It most certainly is NOT the same or equally responsible of you to have a nanny raising your kids...and you know that, which is why you got defensive and started throwing "oppression" and "little life outside the family" in. Children are not an accessory to "complete" their parents' happy adult picture. There is NOTHING wrong with being a career woman and finding your fulfillment in your accomplishments outside the home. Nothing at all. There IS a problem with abdicating your responsibility as a parent for your own fulfillment. 6 years at home and another 12 being there when your kids are home from school is the job description. If you don't want to do that job...don't apply.

    • April 11, 2008 by Dani O'Malley

      I think I've been slightly misunderstood... I wasn't saying that caring for children is oppressive. I was saying that forcing a women to stay home when that is not best for her or her family is oppressive. I have tried to stay home with my boys -- none of us were as happy as when I work. Like I said, it contributed greatly to depression -- and depressed mommies have a tough time doing what's best for their babies (kids in general). Just because I CAN stay home doesn't mean I should. What's healthiest for my kids is that they have a caring person there to help them, that they know mommy loves them and will always be there if they need her, and that they have a happy childhood. When I am depressed, my kids are not happy. It's just that way -- I'm incapable of caring for my children when I'm depressed. I mean, seriously depressed. Not just a little sad or tired. Clinically depressed. So sure... I could stay home. But it's not always the best thing for the kids. That's what I was trying to say.

  • April 15, 2008 by Judy Shores

    I commend you for your opinions and I agree wholeheartedly. Why bother to have children if you don't intend to raise them yourself. There is a thing called birth control.

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  • October 31, 2008 by Heather

    Let's not judge! I am a nanny and my husband and I plan to start a family in the next two years. I plan to stay home, with my children, but will probably have to watch other children in our home. I think it's great when parents (Mom or Dad) can stay home with their children but sometimes that's not possible. In today's society, things are much more expensive (food, gas, etc.). Maybe a family can't afford to have one parent stay home or maybe the parents both wish to work.

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  • October 31, 2008 by Heather

    I am a nanny and my husband and I plan to start a family, of our own, in the next two years. I hope to stay home, with our children, but will probably have to care for other children, in our home. As we all know, our economy is weak right now and finances are stretched. Not all families can afford to have a parent (Mom or Dad) stay home or maybe both parents like to work. I have a friend who LOVES her child and LOVES her work. Why shouldn't she be able to love both? That doesn't make a stay-at-home parent any better than her or love their child more. I think it is WONDERFUL when a parent can stay home and raise their child but it is not up to you and me to make that decision or to judge them.

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• April 9, 2008 by Amy

  No one can stop all these self-centered brats who choose to have children to "complete" themselves from giving birth and then outsourcing for someone else to parent them. Since that is the case, if you REALLY want to help a child, in a case like the example here, the correct method is not to start by getting in the woman's face and accusing her of being horrid. Look, I have a child. Some days, I'm a Stepford Mom, and some days, my nerves are worn a little thin. This woman could have been dealing with colic all morning and...being frustrated...not realized that the child was crying about something tangible this time. We don't KNOW that's not the case, and so it's wrong and--I think--horrendously arrogant to approach her without giving benefit of doubt. Saying with a smaile, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think she's crying because the sun is in her face," and then gently pulling the visor on the stroller down to shield the baby is a MUCH better way to deal with that situation than accusing the woman of criminal neglect, calling 911, and making a scene. It's also more EFFECTIVE in helping the child. People deserve benefit of doubt...especially those caring for small kids.

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• April 10, 2008 by Kimberly Purcell

  The nanny was hired to take care of the child. She was failing to do her job. Miriam watched to see, obviously hopeful, that the nanny would get back to her job. When she didn't she knew she had to do something. As someone else stated, it's never wrong to protect a child. And I like the idea of I Saw Your Nanny. I bet there are spouses out there that would like I Saw Your Spouse, or how about I Saw Your Teenager? If I was the mother of that child I would be glad that someone intervened on my baby's behalf.

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• April 11, 2008 by celeste

  That this poor baby was in plain sight and just in the sun is horrible. This woman is paid to take care of this child, and she is visiting and completely neglecting this baby. Shame on her! Good for the woman who intervened and made this nanny pay for what she did!

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• April 11, 2008 by Valleester

  Caregiving is hard work. Seriously. You'd be surprised at the number of people that think that teaching a kid to not eat things off of the ground, to walk, to talk, to use the toilet, to read and to self-soothe is easy. It's not. It's hours on end of missed heartbeats because even though you thought the floor was clean, the little nipper managed to find and swallow THE ONE THING you couldn't see on the floor. It's not easy. It's your heart jumping in your throat every time that precious little baby stumbles to the floor while trying to walk on his/her own for the first time. Knowing that the floor is soft has never made it any easier for me. It's not easy. It's frustration raising like bile at the back of the throat because kiddo will say "Dada" over and over but his/her version of "Mama" sounds like "Guy-ng guy-ng". It's not easy. It's wanting to cry after the kid has had their third diaper blow-out in a ROW and there are no outfits clean enough to clothe him/her. It's not easy. It's the aggravation of trying to read the child a book while struggling to keep them from turning the page. It's not easy. It's the minutes that feel like hours as you listen to a kid scream when it's time to go to bed. It's not easy. It can wear on the nerves. While I don't condone that nanny's actions, it's definitely possible that Miriam caught that nanny on a bad day. Granted, someone DEFINITELY should have stepped up on behalf of that baby, I definitely feel that opening a dialogue would have been preferable to confronting the nanny in such a way that it ticked her off to the point that she started yanking the baby around. Who knows how that baby was treated after the nanny's encounter w/Miriam?

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  • April 12, 2008 by celeste

    I have three kids. Don't tell me how hard it is to raise kids. There is no excuse for neglecting a child. We are the voices for children. They can't say hey, you're too rough, or maybe, I'm in the sun please think of me too (instead of talking and ignoring me). If I pay someone to care for my child, I expect them to do their job.

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• April 12, 2008 by Valleester

  First of all, I don't know you in real life, so I'm somewhat skeptical when you say that you have three children. It's all too easy for a person to claim something over the internet that just isn't true. That said, I agree that a caregiver or a parent is supposed to be a voice for a child that can't speak for themselves. However, caregiver burnout is a very real condition. (You can google it). It's due to caregiver burnout that respite caregivers were created. A responsible parent/child looks for caregiver burnout in their child/adult dependent caregiver. A caring spouse looks for caregiver burnout in their husband/wife. A caregiver that is suffering from burnout is not going to be as responsive to a child's needs as a caregiver that has the proper amount of rest and social interaction within their peer group.

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  • April 13, 2008 by celeste

    You're right. I do, however, have three kids...my daughter, Sophia, was born 8-5-96 (and although married, my husband helped very little, I was 18-so I know what burnout is from that experience) my son, Elijah, was born 1-23-02 (with one lung, a congenital birth defect with no known cause-I went through almost losing him in a surgery that was done while he had viral pneumonia at six months old. Talk about burnout-try being at your maybe dying infant son's side every waking moment while taking care of your five year old daughters needs. I pray nobody else has to go through what I did those months) and my last child, Nathan-is six months old, born 10-16-07. I do know what burnout is-because I've been there, and have been through worse as a parent than simple "burnout". I am the traditional parent who stays home and does the lion's share of child care, and always have been. I do get burned out-as to date, I have not had an outing with anyone-husband or girlfriends or alone-since my son, Nathan, was born. I understand this nanny being burned out-after all, I've been the wife isolated at home and burned out from listening to kids shows on TV all day everyday for twelve years in august. I am simply saying that we are the ones who have to speak up and protect our most precious national resource-our children, the future of this nation and world.

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    • April 14, 2008 by Kina Barnum

      Congrats on being the traditional parent Celeste. Though all the caregiver had to do was pay attention to the child's needs very simple to decode the crying when the sun is shinning in your face, sometimes I'd like to cry when the sun is in my eyes. Anyhow keep up the good work in your parenting endeavor. Just remember to take time out for yourself and remind your husband you NEED at break.

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