The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

Driven to Action: One Mom’s Meltdown

143 Comments

May 18, 2009 by Kathy McManus

Going viral after going ballistic wasn’t on Madlyn Primoff’s mommy-do list. 

 But the story of the fed-up New York lawyer/mother who kicked her bickering daughters out of the car and onto the curb of a suburban street spread faster than flu, as parents around the world weighed in on whether the action was irresponsible--or irresistible. 

“They had it coming. Give her a medal,” was typical of comments in support of Primoff, whose 12-year-old daughter managed to get back in the car, while her 10-year-old—in tears—was picked up by a stranger who bought her ice cream before calling the cops.

The family was three miles from home when Primoff made good on one of parenting’s most oft-repeated threats:  Stop fighting or I’ll stop the car! “As a responsible parent, she gave her children a choice,” said another supporter, “and when they ignored her, she followed thru. I say good job!” 

 But the police said You’re under arrest. Primoff was jailed overnight and charged with endangering the welfare of a minor, an action many supported in online comments. “If the girls were acting up, then punish them when they get home,” wrote one. “You do not leave a child on the side of the road alone. Ever.” Another said, “It’s our job as parents to protect our children…Maybe she should put herself in time-out next time she has a mommy meltdown.” 

There’s something larger going on, argued a prominent mom-blogger, who saw Primoff’s actions as a “mommy misdemeanor” and cautioned that her story “should not result in a free-for-all vilification of a mother-gone-bad.” Primoff made a bad choice, she continued, “but should she be condemned to wear a scarlet M? I'm not interested in judging her. I'm more interested in hoping that the public scrutiny fixated upon her will further expose motherhood for the truly complex job that it is.”

Tell us what you think: Were Madlyn Primoff’s actions irresponsible, irresistible, or something else? A “mommy misdemeanor” or a “mommy felony?” Does her right to decide how to deal with her squabbling kids have to conflict with the law?

143 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• May 18, 2009 by Wyndom

  She gave them a choice and followed through. Bravo.

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  • January 6, 2011 by mar

    well the kids would proly walk three miles to get to a mall.. whats the big deal..i say kids do not come with a book of instructions,,and any of you who is with out kid troubles and never made a bad kid decision,, throw the first stone!! i say unless a kid is in real danger,,not the danger of walking 3 miles home,, for not listening,, stay out of parents business,,no wonder so many kids are in trouble now days,, parents have no rights!!i use to walk three miles to get back and forth to school dailey..america get over making these kids into bratts!!il bet next time that mother says stop bickering ,, they will listen,,walking is not endanering a kid..its good for them.whats next going to jail for making a child cry for saying no to them,, geez

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• May 18, 2009 by ghekko the lizard

  I tell people of any age, and that's what kids are young people that they can live how they want and do what they want but there can be and most often are consequences for the choices we all make. Brutality is not the answer but neither are time outs. Kids should be raised knowing how the system treats dissidents, and that the tendency to argue and bicker with even family acquaintances can have negative side effects that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. Life is too short for stupidity and arrogance. Keeping it simple, being a "good boy or girl" may seem boring and so unhip and untrendy from what our culture shoves down our throats as kids especially but it’s the smart thing to do. KNOW what your rights and responsibilities are under STATE law, because those are the ones that can ruin your life really bad. I'm not going to say the mother in this case was right or wrong. I'm just going to say that it's not what you say; it's how when and where you say it. Life's a dance for so many, learning as they go.

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• May 19, 2009 by Captain Bravo

  Bravo to the mother! Too often modern parents worry and fail to follow through with demands! This weakens their position of authority in the home and ruins the family dynamic! Although I wouldn't have driven very far away from them I find her actions laudable! Bravo!

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• May 19, 2009 by Linda G. Cox

  Raising children can be a difficult task! The teenage years are especially turbulent as children are becoming independent! When we start raising our kids we need to learn parenting skills to help us get through such times! We, as women, need to be available to help and support each other and avoid such outbursts! Starting at an early age, children can learn to behave (and so can moms)! I'm thankful a kind stranger got the girls to safety.

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• May 19, 2009 by Dawn Wasylow

  I did the same thing, after my daughter repeatedly used the Lord's name in vein and I continually asked her to stop. So I told her one more time and I will stop the car and she will get out and walk. She pushed my last button I slammed the brakes and threw her out -- she was 14 at the time. Now she is 21 and has the ultimate respect for me, because when I say I will do something. I DO IT!!! I believe in raising my kids the old fashion way, a bible in one hand and the belt in the other. Not using the TV and WII game as a babysitter.

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  • May 20, 2009 by Susan Cowan

    I also believe in raising our children the old fashioned way, but the belt and brutality are not the way. I never used anything more then the hand on the rear with my boys and not very often. We kept our boys so busy with sports, scouting, Karate, band, chores, caring for pets, and family outings that they were to busy for television and video games and we always tried to entertain their friends at our house so that we knew where they were and what they were up to, I literally became the neighborhood mom. When our boys got too big to spank they were assigned what we called "dirty chores" (ie.. taking out the trash, cleaning up after the pets, yard work, washing the car, or scrubbing a floor, etc.) and we also would take the time to find the answers to their problems together. We watched movies from the "Family Film Festival" that teaches values. Now that they are grown men, I am very proud of who they turned out to be and their values. My oldest boy even told me once that I taught him how to love and raise his daughters. With a lot of love, strong values, the love of God and family, and being responsible for ones actions.

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    • June 14, 2009 by Kim Hunter

      God's Word says "Spare the rod and spoil the child." He disciplines us because He loves us. It is not brutality to punish a child. In fact God goes on to tell us that the parent who hates his child refuses to punish them. That is quite clear. The question was did she endanger the child. How many 10 year olds run around on the streets every day without a parent there watching them? Depends on the neighborhood right? So, was the daughter in danger? That depends on the neighborhood. If I were the mother I would have punished the daughters by taking away privileges such as any cell phones, ipods, stereos, television, phone time etcetera. It all depends on what the child values most. She could also have drove slowly while the girls walked. It would have made them value the transportation they were taking for granted. And it would not be cruel to make them walk as millions of children have to do every day just to survive.

  • May 20, 2009 by Susan Cowan

    Just another thought - She could have truly made good on her threat. Stop the car,and sit there until they stopped their bickering. She could have even gotten out of the car herself, for a few minutes to gather her thoughts as to what the next step would be. But then, we can all guess at how she could have better handled the situation. Then again she is a lawyer, right? she knew the law.

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  • May 20, 2009 by Susan Cowan

    I absolutely 100% agree with you. Wonderful resolution to the problem.

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  • July 14, 2009 by Cyndi Waldmann

    The line needs to be drawn somewhere and she drew it. Obey means do as you are told. To \obey biblically is to do what you are told with a good attitude. The children were told to do something and they didn't obey, so they ought to pay the consequences. I believe that parents ought to be able to discipline their children appropriately, as God would have them do. She (the mother) drew the line and the children disobeyed. We live in a backwards society, where if the parents discipline their children, they (the parents) go to jail for child abuse. Now maybe that may not of been an ideal way to discipline, however the line needed to be drawn & the children were given a choice, which put themselves in that insecure situation. I believe a lot of it is the fault of society and how they've told the children they do not need to obey their parents. And so it is assumed by the children: that they do not have to obey, nor give the parent(s) honor or respect to their parents. Biblically, speaking the children is a heritage of the lords and the children are given parents, so they'd teach the children the difference between right and wrong. The child raised with today’s society/world's rules/laws, will rebel and soon, it will not be a mental bull-dozer that runs the parents over, but a physical one. It is no wonder that children are killing their parents: for they are taught by society to disrespect them. I've all too often seen where some of these rules/laws lead, in regards to allowing your child to have everything and do anything they want. I've seen children who have no guidance, no rules, hit their parents in the store and the parent(s) just sit there and take it. What next, a gun to the parents head? I'm glad that I do not have a child in today's world/society, for I wouldn't want my child corrupted by the government’s rules/laws, etc; that claim that discipline is abuse.

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• May 19, 2009 by Joanne Singerman

  Many parents threaten to stop the car and that would have been okay. Many parents threaten to kick them out of the car on the side of the road and, in a safe area say with lots of grass, even that would have been okay. The next part is where she blew it--driving away. Very messed up thing to do. What she should have done in my opinion was, when everyone was out of the car, had a pow wow where everyone voiced their opinion and mom states that the car is not moving till both girls apologize to each other and acknowledge that they can each see why the other one is upset. If a compromise needs to be reached that is the time to do it. A parent needs to be the leveling factor not the firecracker. Our children learn how to handle future stresses by seeing how it was done at home. Our level of comfort is based on how it was at home. Teach your children well and they will do the same for theirs.

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• May 19, 2009 by Stephen R

  I'm not sure how stopping the car but *not* driving away would mean much of anything. As to how much danger the kids were in matters a lot on the area. At the age of ten I was certainly on my own a lot of time, whether running around with friends or just exploring. If I'd been kicked out of the car three miles from home, I would have walked home. (Or if a friend's was closer, maybe there instead.) So the mere fact that she kicked the kids out doe not make here irresponsible. Overall, I don't have a problem with this. Unless the police can specify exactly in what was the kid was in an *unusual* level of danger, There should be no charges. This reminds me of the mother who made her kid stand beside the road holding a big sign that said something like "I was irresponsible". Unless the kid was dropped off in a bad neighborhood or otherwise overly dangerous area, the government has no right to interfere.

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• May 20, 2009 by miflin

  After repeated warnings, I had to make my sons get out of the car and walk. We were about a mile from home, and it was a busy road. But I followed behind them on the side of the road; they never left my sight. I've also just pulled over & waited until the fighting and/or horseplay stopped. It's just too dangerous to continue driving with those distractions. I can't fault anyone for taking steps to correct the situation, but I do think it best to follow behind the kids.

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• May 20, 2009 by Susan Cowan

  I don't know the entire story, but need there really be any more said. For God's sakes her youngest daughter was picked up by a stranger, who could have done a lot worse than buy her ice-cream. She put her daughter in very real danger. I remember as a very young girl, how my mother dropped the lot of us off in front of the local orphanage (she drove around the block and picked us up, we cried the whole time frightened). Ten years later she was turned in for beating me black, blue and bloody. I put up with her bi-polar rages for 11 years. This woman's daughter could have been killed. It makes me wonder what life is like for the girls inside the home when no-one is around. Someone needs to tell her that time outs and strong punishments work far better than neglect and placing her daughter in danger.

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  • June 14, 2009 by tabi

    There is a huge difference between making your child walk home and leaving them in front of an orphanage.

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• May 20, 2009 by Terry Byrd

  As a father of three and grandfather of six, I have been in the same situation. When my son was six, he was being particularly annoying in the back seat when his Mom told him to put his seat belt back on. He jumped up into her face, yelling at her. She put her hand on his chest and forced him into the seat, again telling him to put his seat belt back on and be quiet. He bounced back up and hit her on the forehead with the butt of his hand. I was going about 60 mph down the Interstate, when I hit the brakes, crossed to the outside shoulder and stopped the vehicle. I yanked him over the seat and, holding him at eye level, spanked him on the side of the road. All the while, cars were passing and I fully expected some liberal to call the police. He has never laid his hands on another female to my knowledge. He is twenty-seven. I'd do it again, even if I knew that I'd be jailed. Parents have a right to raise their children as they see fit as long as they don't abuse them. A large part of our society's problems are that people don't keep a guiding hand on their kids, today.

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• May 20, 2009 by Catherine Horn

  I don't agree with turning the kids on the street like that, but I would have stopped the car for safety reasons. I would have then gotten out myself temporarily and called a relative if possible so that I could take them to a relative's house and take an hour and go to a coffee shop and think about a good scenario for grounding the kids and making them do a few extra chores. The only sympathy I have for this mom is the fact that the kids were acting up in the car to where the mom could have had an accident. I do not agree with letting a child go on a busy street where they could get mugged, raped, or God forbid, anything worse. You might call me middle of the road. I believe in things like some consequence learning (within safe limits), time outs and if the behavior is extreme, a mild spanking.

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• May 20, 2009 by cynthia hernandez

  please dont treat your kids like that

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